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@theswordinthebook

@luciusbraun

Hi, Lucius! I enjoyed your story! I also have a few suggestions:

-you could try using less common similes (e.g. instead of “she smoked like a chimney” you could say something like “she smoked like a campfire”).  You could also replace similes in those situations with more actions and imagery, like: “She took a drag on her cigarette and blew out. A cloud of smoke obscured her face.”

-you could use fewer words and try to to show more, instead of telling. For example, instead of, “Blinking Carl said “Uh, nothing.” The last thing he wanted was to brawl at almost midnight with someone almost twice his size,” you could use “Carl blinked as his heart rate sped up. “Uh, nothing.” He rubbed his neck and glanced away.” Daeus Lamb’s Show Don’t Tell course really helped me with showing (though, I still struggle -I am only part way through the course…haha).

Some of the things I liked in your story were:

-the humor. (E.g. “Well, as if a mountain could slide in behind someone). 🙂

-the action and suspenseful plot

-the relationship between Carl and Sam (great name by the way!). You did this particularly well. (I don’t have siblings and can struggle to write realistic sibling relationships). I would love to read more about Carl and Sam!