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@obrian-of-the-surface-world

Hi Brian, it was cool listening to this piece! I liked it!

1. Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?

There was quite a sense of impending doom, it was quite interesting since I was wondering if the harpies (?) were going to attack.

2. What would you say the mood was of this scene?

Threatening, mostly.

3. What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?

The people that seem to be heading into danger! I’m curious about what happens to them.

4. Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?

The humans, definitely not the creatures XD

5. Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?

a. Setting

b. Character thoughts and motivations

c. Character appearance and/or mood expressions

Probably a and b.

Now, don’t get me wrong, you added enough of her thoughts, but not until the end of the scene. The entire first part is just a description, without anything to connect it to.

As for the setting, I think you could add a few more descriptors without going overboard with it. Just a few things to add to the mood. Tall trees, graying sky, the first few drops falling on her feathers, the rustle of wind through the trees like the patter of too many feet, stuff like that. I was quite lost until you mentioned she was on a branch.

6. Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?

It was good! I liked the voices, they really worked!

7. Did you learn something in this scene that you wondered about in a previous scene?

I haven’t read any of your earlier scenes, so… nope!

8. Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)

Yes! I’m curious to see how it turns out and whether the harpies will attack. I assume so, otherwise, you wouldn’t tell it from their point of view.

9. Is there any part of the scene that you personally felt did not belong?

I think you could improve the structure of the scene just a bit 🙂

Your entire first paragraph is a massive description, which, although interesting, doesn’t tell us anything about the setting, or what’s going on.

I’d keep it, but move it and sprinkle in the details more slowly and with more movement because it felt like the story had paused.

I’d move the dialogue before the description, so you know they’re looking at people and you have a reason to become invested in the scene. The people are the interesting part of the scene, so try to keep everything connected to them. (Unless the harpy is a main character with a character arc, which I somehow doubt XD)

10. Is there a particular part of the scene that stood out to you as your favorite? (Why?)

The last few sentences! Where the harpy off-handedly mentioned that she was once fully human and that she had once wished to become like them again.

11. What, if anything, would you change about this scene to make it more interesting to you?

I already covered this above! Give the reader someone to become invested in, then threaten it. This might be different if the previous scene focused more on the presence of the humans.

12. Is there something in the author’s audio reading of the scene that you picked up on that you might not have noticed if you had just read the text alone silently to yourself?

I liked the voices, your reading was excellent and I really enjoyed it! The audio effects were good too, enough but not too much, I really liked it!