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MyClipboardIsMyViolin replied to the topic Invincible — a poem in need of your help! in the forum Poetry Discussions 7 years, 1 month ago
InvincibleWhen your soul left the earth, The sun still shone. There wasn’t any darkness Or rain, Like in the movies.
Ack, the word “movies” really takes away from this stanza. “to mark your passage” may be an alternative. This reason why I say that is that we have high fantasy symbology clashing real hard with a commonplace reference to modern movies.
And for some reason, I couldn’t cry.When you died, I left my heart behind. And the sun proclaimed the world was well against the sky’s steady blue.
“I am invincible,” I said, “nothing can touch me.”
This passage kinda feels like a little too much telling. I might be over analyzing this a bit, but I think this is a pride-turned-to sorrow poem. “And for some reason,” —> we do find out the reason when she says she’s invincible. Does this indicate that she didn’t know the reason why she couldn’t cry at the time? Is that what you were going for?
Does the warrior actually like the person who died – was she close to them? Is this a flat pride problem of thinking that she’s above death, or is there an emotional complication?
But after the long walk, After I see all the places you are missing Love comes creeping Through the cracks of my armor.I go back And my heart, So carelessly left on its own, Not cradled and understood, Cries with the sky, In the darkness, In the rain.
I like the nature contrast between the beginning of the poem and the end, I really think that you should keep that when you revise.
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