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  • Mischievous Thwapling replied to the topic Stories and Fantasies in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years ago

    @joelle-stone

    Noticed no one’s really been able to critique your story yet, so Imma jump in and do that 😉

    She glanced back at the girl in the water.

    Hm… You just described her as a woman, now grown up, when she was startled by her reflection, so maybe saying “at the young woman” would be better than girl 🙂 Just a thought. *shrugs*

    Shaking her head, Nayandi rose to her feet and turned back to the fire. Shock raced through her body as she made out the dark, grotesque shapes of about half a dozen Orcs swarming about the camp. An arrow came swiftly to her string as she hurried closer, using the cover of the woods to her advantage as she tried to find out what had happened to Rhea.

    It’s hard for me to explain, but something about this paragraph tripped me up. When you transitioned to the “shock/orc part,” I was kinda confused–I think partially because the long-ish sentences are running into each other, and there wasn’t a clear “hey, this is happening now!!”  Sorry, I’m being confusing and not explaining this well!!! What I mean is, it might help to break it up. Something more along the lines of this:

    Shaking her head, Nayandi rose to her feet and began turning back to the fire. But she froze, eyes wide. The dark, grotesque shapes of about half a dozen orcs swarmed about the camp. Her camp. And then etc., rest of awesome paragraph.

    I just think the long sentences bled into each other, and how it jumped from “turning back” to “she’s shocked” tripped me up XD Perhaps it’s just me, tho! Feel free to ignore this 🙂

    Suddenly, an arrow thunked into the wrist around Rhea’s neck,

    This simply might be clear if yo put “into the orc’s wrist” instead of “the wrist.”

    ________

    Gtg! Will try to finish critiquing later! (And will try to give the rest of you guys some feedback 😉 )

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