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    Mischievous Thwapling replied to the topic Stories and Fantasies in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years, 2 months ago

    @joelle-stone

    Time for some critique! (not that that was easy, considering I had to read your post several times before finding anything I had suggestions about XD)

    He called him Runaha, which roughly translated into the common tongue means ‘land son’.

    Now, I’m not 100 % sure about this, but I’m pretty sure the “roughly translated into the common tongue” part is an invisible adverbial clause, like when you have an invisible “that” (dependent clause) clause. See, I think there’s an invisible “when” after which. So, in light of this, I’m like 99 % sure it should be:

    “….which (comma), (when–invisible) roughly translated into the common tongue (comma), means ‘land son.’ ”

    I might be wrong–it’s your call 🙂

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    Naldiel died in an accident nine months later.

    Is the accident revealed later? Like, is it some sort of mystery to the reader for a while?

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    Suddenly, a bright flash of an uncharacteristically reckless idea sprang into focus.

    *thinks there should be no comma after suddenly, but then is unsure whether “suddenly” modifies only the verb or the entire sentence* Erm… *thinks more* *finally decides that I’m not certain enough to give you advice* *shrugs*

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    “Perhaps it is what they found there that made them long to stay,”

    OOhhh I love that line.

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    Yaaaaay loved it! 😀 *is impatient to read more, but will not push you to post it because I know your life can be pretty crazy* 😛

     

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