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Katherine Baker replied to the topic Poetry Critque, pretty please? (: in the forum Poetry Discussions 7 years, 4 months ago
I love this, Evelyn! It’s so pretty.
I’m not sure if I understand, but in one sense, I think that’s the joy in it. It’s vague enough that you feel drawn to re-read the text over and over to find the meaning.
So you know what I saw, I eventually decided that it was a sad poem that meant that if you never love, you will never be heartbroken, and that’s what the speaker is trying to say. Basically, be like the phantoms.
I had also thought at one point that you were saying something more like “you are numb to love. But how can you be like that when you’re heart is with God?” (Don’t ask me where that came from. It was some interesting reading of the text).
As for general critique, I have a couple of stray thoughts:
1. The last line of the first stanza (“forever they are so”) felt thrown in there just to rhyme with the second line. I’m wondering if you could give it more meaning than that? I know it’s easier said than done.
2. In the second stanza, the first two lines feel like telling instead of showing. I wonder if you could re-write them to be a little less obvious, and a little more elusive in their meaning.
3. Stanza 3 and 4 (particularly 3) have a different meter than 1 and 2. It is the third line that changes the meter. I wonder if it’s possible to smooth that out?Hope this helps out. Beautiful poem, Evelyn, and have fun editing old poems!












