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Poetry Critque, pretty please? (:

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions Poetry Critque, pretty please? (:

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  • #76388
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    So, lately I have been leafing through old poetry for the purposes of editing, and I stumbled over one in particular… I was wondering if the ending is clear enough. And in general if the poem is too confusing. And plus whatever critique. (:

     

    Phantoms

    They know not where they came from,

    They know not where to go,

    Forever trapped in silence,

    Forever they are so.

     

    They are merely phantoms,

    For they don’t understand,

    And hope has never been there,

    To come and hold their hand.

     

    To wade the world with nothing,

    To stare with grayen eyes,

    To wander, lost among the souls,

    And everything despise.

     

    Life is filled with pain.

    So numb yourself to love,

    For how can your heart be broken,

    When it is locked above?

     

    Tagging some poet peeps: @kb-writer @libby @h-jones @dakota @all-poets

    #76844
    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    I love this, Evelyn! It’s so pretty.

    I’m not sure if I understand, but in one sense, I think that’s the joy in it. It’s vague enough that you feel drawn to re-read the text over and over to find the meaning.

    So you know what I saw, I eventually decided that it was a sad poem that meant that if you never love, you will never be heartbroken, and that’s what the speaker is trying to say. Basically, be like the phantoms.

    I had also thought at one point that you were saying something more like “you are numb to love. But how can you be like that when you’re heart is with God?” (Don’t ask me where that came from. It was some interesting reading of the text).

    As for general critique, I have a couple of stray thoughts:
    1. The last line of the first stanza (“forever they are so”) felt thrown in there just to rhyme with the second line. I’m wondering if you could give it more meaning than that? I know it’s easier said than done.
    2. In the second stanza, the first two lines feel like telling instead of showing. I wonder if you could re-write them to be a little less obvious, and a little more elusive in their meaning.
    3. Stanza 3 and 4 (particularly 3) have a different meter than 1 and 2. It is the third line that changes the meter. I wonder if it’s possible to smooth that out?

    Hope this helps out. Beautiful poem, Evelyn, and have fun editing old poems!

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

    #76871
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @kb-writer Ah, thank you for your critique! I will work through it! 😀 😀 😀

    So you know what I saw, I eventually decided that it was a sad poem that meant that if you never love, you will never be heartbroken, and that’s what the speaker is trying to say. Basically, be like the phantoms. I had also thought at one point that you were saying something more like “you are numb to love. But how can you be like that when you’re heart is with God?” (Don’t ask me where that came from. It was some interesting reading of the text)

    And yes, that was basically the meaning… I was wondering if the “locked above” was too confusing… as I didn’t literally meant locked above, but I meant it more as just locked away and numbed from feeling anything, but wanted to rhyme and all sooo… yeah. 😛 I’ll work on that.

    Thanks for reading it! You have been very helpful and have confirmed my suspicions about about the ending! Thank you! 🙂

     

    #77022
    Libby
    @libby

    @evelyn Wow, this is very beautiful!  I agree with all of Katherine’s comments and I think that half the beauty comes from its elusive vagueness and the feeling that we almost get it, but not quite.

    One small tidbit of a suggestion:

    And hope has never been there,

    To come and hold their hand.

    I think these lines are some of the most beautiful in the piece, but I think that their effectiveness is just a bit marred by the “and” right before “hope”.  Perhaps, if you were to remove that and to add to the end of the line before it an em dash, it might leave a more powerful impact.

    Also:

    To wade the world with nothing,

    To stare with grayen eyes,

    To wander, lost among the souls,

    And everything despise.

    While this is so shiveringly (is that a word? ;)) poetic, it’s not complete.  There is no resolution to the sentence.  Honestly, I am not someone who should be saying this – I mean, I do this all the time.  So, if you like your poem the way it is, I think that’s alright.  These are just the points that stick out most to me.

    Hey, thanks for sharing with us!  It really is an almost magical piece and I can’t wait to see where you go with it!

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #77033
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @libby Thanks Libby for your help!! 🙂

    Though I would agree with taking out the “hope”  I’m a bit hesitant, do to meter and syllable count. Do you think it’s worth it?

    And yes… you have a good point about that other verse. 😛 *facepalm*

     

    #77043
    Dakota
    @dakota

    @evelyn It’s pretty! 🙂

    As far as critiques, I would agree with Libby and kb-writer.

    Psalm 119:11
    Your word I have hidden in my heart,
    That I might not sin against You.

    #78509
    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    @evelyn

    Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get back on here.

    Commenting on @libby suggestion about taking the ‘and’ before hope, I actually don’t think it would mess up the meter too much. The accent in the sentence is already on the word ‘hope’, the word ‘and’ is simply a pick-up beat (pardon my music terms). It doesn’t really affect the meter to take out the pickup, because it doesn’t have as much weight in the meter.

    You’ve actually taken out that pickup before. In the first line of the same stanza, “they are merely phantoms”, you start on the accented (stressed) syllable of “they”. The next few lines you resume starting on the pickup (unstressed) syllable.

    All that to say, I don’t think it would affect the meter much. It’s not a huge deal if you would rather keep it, though. 🙂

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

    #78516
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @dakota Thanks!


    @kb-writer
    No problem! Thanks your for your help! 🙂

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