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@sir-leeds

Hello Sir Leeds! Glad to meet you! Don’t think I have yet.

Before I get into it, I’d like to start by saying: Wow. That was very good! I really liked it. Here are the answers to your questions.

1) I’d like to submit this to a Christian publisher, but I’m not sure if the rewording of Hebrews 11 is too gritty/graphic for my audience. What do you think? 
I don’t think it’s too graphic. If you had tried to describe what that looked like or those emotions too much, it would be, but you simply stated the truth in the most straight-forward and honest way you could. It keeps it powerful without being grossed out with details. The only part you may want to alter is the line: “Whose belly and legs were sawn apart”. That line goes into slightly more description (by using body parts) which makes it more graphic than the rest. I think it’s fine as is, though, if you’d rather not change it.

2) Is the theme of time too “heavy”? I want to stress the amount of “distance” traveled, but not to the extent that it weighs the poem down.
Poems are always “heavy”. 🙂 Being serious though, I didn’t find it too heavy. Just so you have some insight into how the reader perceived it, I slowly digested the “directions” section, and really quickly zipped through the “growing” section, and slowed back down on the “point” (I hope those labels made sense). I liked it that way, though, because zipping through that sections (the “ands” made it flow like that) was almost a hidden reminder that our life is short, which led nicely into the final segment telling of how people used that short life to glorify God and tell of Jesus.

3) Does the double meaning/play on words “land” or is it too subtle? I don’t want to point out what it is here for fear of giving it away. I’ll post a comment with what I was thinking if anyone provides feedback.
I got the play on words if I’m thinking of the right ones. The “directions” were really cute and clever. I liked the correlation between distance and time and followed that idea (that they were almost one and the same in this poem) fairly nicely. Is that what you were wondering?

4) Overall, does it seem to flow? If not, where do you think it could use rework? I know it’s one big run on sentence, but does it sound like it works if you read it out loud?
It does seem to flow. When I read it in my head I followed along with the sentence perfectly well. It was a bit harder when I was reading it out loud, mostly because I more quickly break sentence and read slower when I do. A few tiny tweaks to consider:

“On the other side / Of Roman Empire Street,” – Maybe change this from two stanzas to one (“Past Roman Empire Street”) That way I connect the point better. Otherwise, when reading out loud, I do a double-take to make sure it was the right meaning.

“I have come from birth and teething and crawling and / Walking and eating and running and coloring and /Riding bikes and building forts and sledding sleds and / Studying textbooks and driving cars and texting and / Rebirth all the way to you, here, and now” By the third stanza, you switch from 2-syllable thoughts (teething, crawling, walking…) to 3-syllable thoughts (riding bikes, building forts…). It interrupts the flow a bit until I get back in rhythm with the new cadence. Perhaps you can prevent that by either making them all 3 syllables or all 2 syllables. That would make me keep the rhythm easier.

“Who were mocked and beaten / And imprisoned, / Whose hands and feet were chained together, / Whose faces were smashed in with rocks, / Whose belly and legs were sawn apart, / Who died” – Before I give a suggestion, I just have to say this gave me chills. I love how you go into all this description before ending with the short thought, “who died”. It punctures through all the other thoughts and gives it weight, well done!

“Who were mocked and beaten / And imprisoned,” – Okay, and here’s where I critique that group. You have this “who/whose” pattern going on that the “and imprisoned” breaks. It might sound better if you fix it, either by giving it a “who” of it’s own, or attaching it to another line.

Hope that helped! Great poem, and I wish you the best of luck publishing it!