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@crazywriter

Wow. I’m like… shocked. I mean, first of all, you writing has improved astronomically from the Wingfeather forum. It’s like blossomed and… wow.

Your descriptions were so beautiful. It was like reading a modern edition of Tolkien. For once, I don’t feel like I have to tell you to cut back. While the descriptions were dense, it was worth it. I’m so impressed.

I think the only thing I’d say is make sure you don’t restate things unnecessarily. I can’ t recall a specific example now, but I noticed a couple of times you said a sentence and then you restated it differently a couple of sentences later. It wasn’t extreme, but it threw me off slightly.

The other thing is that there were a couple of thought processes on Abner’s part that were kind of clunky. Like the one “Abner you silly!” just came across as bordering on juvenile and not quite something someone like him would think. I mean, obviously I know next to nothing about your character, so if that’s how he talks, awesome! But if not, it’s just a heads up. 🙂

Oh, and I thought of one more thing: this goes along with what Joelle was saying, but show don’t tell. There were a couple of times where there was an overuse of -ly adverbs that removed me from the action, and a couple more times where I got the gist of something and it was a little overdescribed.

I probably made it sound a lot more flawed than it was, because that was beautiful. It honestly almost brought tears to my eyes a couple of times. Well done! I’m so excited to read more!!!