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@archer360 Oooh! You’ve certainly built up the tension! Well done! I believe you have successfully accomplished your goal of drawing readers in.

I do think skipping the hospital scene is something you should consider. It’s not that I didn’t like the scene, but it doesn’t serve to draw me in any more than the initial scene did and, as has been pointed out, can draw more confusion and questions than not. While I liked the insight it provided into the character of the mother, I’m not completely convinced it’s necessary, especially at this point in the story.

I did not quite a few grammatical issues and a few unnecessary phrase endings. It’s by no means poorly written, and the issues found were not basic grammatical issues but some higher level stuff.

I really liked Colton, personally. I like his name and I’m very interested in his character. His thoughts gave insight that I also really enjoyed. I’m almost sad that the book switches to Bri’s pov cause I like Colton so much XD I love sibling relationships and I completely melted when he was the one who calmed her. I did find myself wondering who was older of the two. I’m not sure if that’s a spoiler for later or not, but it was something I would have liked to know as a reader.

Additionally, I agree with the above stated that I think you might want to give the readers a little more on the accident. I mean, obviously, you don’t want to give stuff away too quickly, as you said, but maybe finding a way to let the readers know that Colton is just as lost as the others would help. I’d have liked to know that he found her that way instead of watching the event, but if that’s something that truly must be revealed later, you can’t tell us that. And I get that.

Maybe elaborating a little on the setting would be enough to feed us? For example, let us know their on a trail or in the mountains or in a park, secluded or in a populated area? Were there witnesses or was she alone? Is there any suspicion that she was attacked or do they assume it was an unfortunate accident? What did Colton smell in the ambulance? Was he just numb? What does he see in the ambulance? Before the ambulance? What sounds are there? Does he hear the crackling of the radios in the police cars in the background? Are there children laughing innocently in the nearby playground? Or is there the cry of an eagle soaring over the isolated path? Give us clues around Colton that clue us into his world. Use his senses to show us the mood of the atmosphere, the panic, the collected, controlled air of calm, etc. But be careful not to be overly descriptive and take away from the adrenaline rush you’ve created. 😉 The strongest part of this excerpt is the foreboding and the tension you’ve threaded into the situation.

Thanks for sharing!