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calidris replied to the topic Hello! Is anybody in the mood to critique a short story? 😀 in the forum Fantasy Writers 4 years, 9 months ago
@wingiby-iggiby I would be up for that!
I definitely agree with showing more of Isaac’s thoughts. I think that it would help me to connect with him as a person, and also could help reveal some background, such as why he’s forced to “doll” people for the carpenter.
One of the things that I noticed was that you have a lot of description, which is good, but some of it doesn’t seem to contribute to the general flow of the story. One thing that I really like is to cut down on words by using verbs. Here’s an example:
“The rickety buildings on either side looked like they might’ve been crying, and in the distance a tower and two windmills rose like twisted fingers against a watery sky.”
“The rickety buildings on either side wept, as a tower and two windmills rose like twisted fingers against the watery sky.”
Another thing that I think is really important is consistency in description. You have some very good description, but some of it lacks consistency, either within the story, or in the real world.
“The rickety buildings on either side looked like they might’ve been crying, and in the distance a tower and two windmills rose like twisted fingers against a watery sky.”
Here, the italicized part broke the flow because it is extremely specific, and not consistent with what we see in the real world. I really like the description of twisted fingers, but it doesn’t line up because the tower and windmills are straight, inorganic shapes (I assume) and fingers are bent and organic.
“The rickety buildings on either side wept. In the distance, a tower and two windmills pierced the sky like broken nails.”
You could go even further and change a tower and two windmills to something like derelict buildings to cut down on words.
I would recommend seeing if you can split up and rearrange some of the descriptions. Get the basics down at the very beginning (environment, character, etc.), then narrow your scope as the story progresses. I hope this helped!












