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@obrian-of-the-surface-world,

Aha! I finally have a window of time in which to critique your piece!

Scene Questions:

1. Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?

Yes. I’m wanting to learn more about the encounter with the Troll, plus get some more character development. Who is the “I”? And, like Cathy said, I’m intrigued with your modern-but-fantasy world here. 🙂

 

2. What would you say the mood was of this scene?

Oof I hate having to put my feelings into words. XD Erm… sympathetic, quiet, emotional

 

3. What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?

This mysterious “I” and the girl-who-was-never-named. Especially GWWNN. (Maybe I’ll just call her Gwen ’cause it’s close enough to the abbreviation. XD) What was she doing with a Troll? How did she get entangled with “I”? Why does she seem to trust him more than the others?

 

4. Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?

Man, I always feel empathy. I’m one of those “Sympathetic Criers”. XD I gotta say Gwen, though. I’ve never had a family member leave or hurt me as much as poor Gwen seems to, but I’ve seen the results of that kind of hurt in some friends of mine. Plus she’s crying, so I automatically feel for her. XD

 

5. Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?
a. Setting
b. Character thoughts and motivations
c. Character appearance and/or mood expressions
B and C. I feel like you did a good job with the setting (I just need more story to figure out what’s up with the Troll + Florida thing), but I kinda forgot that “I” existed during Gwen’s story in some moments. More of his thoughts would be nice. 🙂 And, since I’m the type of reader who likes to know what a character looks like, C would be swaggy too.

 

6. Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?

It’s flowy but some moments are borderline choppy. Borderline. Since I don’t know what Gwen and “I”‘s relationship is, it may or may not make sense why. But overall, good job!

 

8. Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)

Yes. I love your style, and, although the scene took a little while to launch, I found it intriguing. Especially b/c you did so well with making Gwen sound like she was crying. TBH I am not as hooked with this story as I am with others, mostly b/c there was less action and mystery than in a few of the other scenes read here. It also may have to do with the fact that it didn’t mention swords. XD (JK) I think that if you had let Gwen’s mysterious aura fester a bit more (and maybe you did and I just didn’t get to chomp at the bit before I got here) you would have kept people hooked with her. Although I’m still hooked with her and want to know if her name is really Gwen. XD I love the feeling of “I” (a man in his prime or middle-aged, I’m guessing) comforting and listening to Gwen (a girl who’s teenager or a young woman) with a lot on her heart. That’s probably my favorite part.

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Anywho, well done! I’m sorry it took me so long to get this to you – life is a little crazy right now. 🙂