Activity

@dakota

That’s much better! (To me, at least XD)

Depending on how fast-paced your scene is, you could add a few action beats between the description. If your POV character is more confused than actually scared, this will definitely work, but if you’re in the middle of a chase scene, you could split it up more by moving the “I need a place to hide,” line up to right before you describe her eyes. Because right after that, he’d probably be taking a better look at her.

However, this could definitely work too, it just depends on your scene!