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Joelle Stone replied to the topic Wingfeather Saga Fanfic, not related to Wingfeather Saga 5th Book. in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years, 3 months ago
Chapter 1 Typos:
- “not been easy to catch up.” Might sound better as “not been easy to catch up with,” even though prepositions aren’t technically supposed to end sentences (I think). Maybe a rewording would help?
- “I heard laughter, and voices.” Might be better without the comma: “I heard laughter and voices”, or “I heard voices and laughter.”
- “In my sleeves, in my quiver, attached to my bow; they were very useful. I could hear them getting closer, so, like a squirrel, I skittered up the nearest tree.” You should probably start a new paragraph with “I could hear”. I’m not a grammar expert, though; I could very easily be wrong on most of these suggestions. 🙂
- “(well, maybe exaggerating a little.) No period. 😉
Chapter 2 Typos:
- “She held it in front of her, and spoke.’What business have you in the Blackwood?'” I think it should be, “She held it in front of her, and spoke. ‘What business have you in the Blackwood?'” I really love that sentence, BTW. It shows Aaliyah as a suspicious/maybe a bit headstrong character. 😉 There are a couple other instances when the words are a paragraph away from when you said someone said them, as well. 🙂
- “Janner found myself surprised by her voice.” Since you are writing from Janner’s POV, “Janner found himself surprised by her voice.”
- “She tucked a lock of her straight brown hair behind one ear and looked at her feet.”” An extra ” after the sentence. 😉
- ” ‘What might be your name?’ ” Might make more sense as ” ‘What might be your names?’ ” (BTW, she talks with a slight Maraly-twinge; I love it!)
- “As they ate, Aaliyah talked to them little.” Do you mean “As they ate, Aaliyah talked to them a little” or “As they ate, Aaliyah talked little”? I was a little confused here.
Also, I have to say that you got Oskar’s voice PERFECT. I can TOTALLY imagine him saying that. XD And don’t worry about the cliff-hanger; it’s how all good chapters end (no matter how INSANE it drives the reader, lol.) Speaking of which, though, are you going to post another chapter?
So sorry about all the random stuff I noticed. XD Most of those probably don’t even count as typos. All in all, though, it looks really good! I want to read more!










