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Arindown replied to the topic Wingfeather Saga Fanfic, not related to Wingfeather Saga 5th Book. in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years, 3 months ago
Hey Kylie, I thought it was good.😄
One thing I thought you could change would be to remove this piece:
My name is Aaliyah. I don’t have a last name, at least, not one that I know of. I have long, straight brown hair, tan skin, and large emerald eyes. I’m thirteen, I believe. I live in the Blackwood. Yes, I do know what they say about the Blackwood; that it’s haunted, populated with the cloven. Now, I don’t really know why they (meaning the Hollowsfolk) say that it’s haunted, but the latter is true. The cloven, really just broken people in the forms of mixed-up animals, do live in the Blackwood, in Clovenfast. Anyway, I was raised by them until I was about eight. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but one of the less-safe cloven attacked me. After that, Elder Cadwick said I had to leave. Ever since then, I’ve been on my own.Except for saying that she was raised by the Cloven, you pretty much give all this information later. For example, she tells Nia her name, Janner notices the color of her eyes, and you could also make Janner notice that she was a similar age to him. I think you could replace it with more subtle descriptions put into the dialogue.
Hope that was helpful.
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