Activity

@lonathecat

*bursts through the door waving a sheet of paper in my hand, then doubles over and catches breath. “I — finally — made it!” Hands you the paper and then sheepishly makes my exit. You read the paper:*

Ah! That was so good! I read the part before it, and it is so creative! I like, first of all, how Death is not mean, lol. That’s how I thought she was going to act. Your story is like a telling of creation from the point of some other religion or a people who do not know God. Now, I was just thinking of this, but do the Man and Woman and all the other creatures have a land to live in?

I get myself tangled up when I’m writing, trying to make it easy to read and understandable. You did such a good job with this in your story; you made it sound elegant and gentle and easily understandable.

Here are a couple of grammar things I thought that I might point out, I just hope I’m right about them! If I’m wrong, ignore me 😛

The smaller creature’s face contorted, its eyebrows pushed together and its mouth opened but no words escaped.

(I put the suggestions in italics; but if it was meant to be the other way for style or something else, ignore them 😉 I think it could go either way)

The two creatures looked at each other, realized the same thought at the same moment, and turned back to the sisters. The larger one spoke. “No, no we do not know our names.” He paused, “What are they, may I ask?”

(maybe just add that word for extra clarity?)

These are just suggestions, and I hope I didn’t come off as a smarty pants or something (I’m actually not very smart); it’s hard to give advice! You are really good at taking advice. Anyhow, I really enjoyed your story. Keep up the awesome work!! 😉

Btw, that is a really wise Bible verse, Prov. 15:31