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Fantasy Writers

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #119394
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    Hello again, lovely people!

    So, I have here a continuation of the Life and Death section that I put in my last Feedback forum. (Though, this time I have it as a Google Doc instead of a too-long forum. Heh.)

    As last time, if you want to read it, then great! Any feedback would be appreciated.

    Have a nice day. 😀

    Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_vK_ZxVECNUN1O1jBcbfYUfnTGyK7Xhs8j9ljmVgrKg/edit

    #119485
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    Read and LOVED it!! Will you give my thoughts as soon as I find the time. (So probably not tonight, but hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday night!

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #119490
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @mischievous-thwapling

    I’m gad you liked it! I look forward to seeing your comments, but no rush, take your time. 😀

    #119636
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    Nice!! That was so awesome. Just some notes:

    “Accordingly, he was reluctant to let his daughters create such a creature, but when they assured him that they would personally teach the creature, he relented.”

    I would suggest cutting the second “the creature” and replacing it with, “it.” The two “creatures” just sound mite word-y to me. 🙂

    “The other creature had taken on a larger, more powerful, form.”

    I think that it would be grammatically correct to cut the second comma after powerful, but I might be wrong (I’m not completely sure) and if you put it there for pausing effect, then keep it. 😀

    “When they saw Life and Death before them, they were terrified, and cried out.”

    I think the comma needs to be cut after terrified.

    ” ‘You are both People. You are Man, and she is Woman.’ Death explained patiently, “For just like your names, each is a part of the other.’ ”

    I think it would be: “You are both People. You are Man, and she is Woman (comma instead of period),” Death explained patiently (period instead of comma), “For… etc.”

    I know that sounds silly that it’s reversed like that, but I know that the comma should be there before Death.  As for the “period instead of a comma”, well, if that’s a continuation of Death’s sentence, then you should keep the comma and make the “F” in “For” lowercase, but if it’s a new sentence for what Death is saying, I believe grammatically it would be a period. 🙂

    You did great job, and I really loved reading it!! I hope in my critique, I didn’t sound like a know-it-all or harsh… I have a hard time not sounding mean when I’m giving critique..

    And, uh, I’m really, really sorry, but on the part where it’s talking about how Man seems ready to face more trials, I was trying to copy and paste it to give you a note, but I accidentally suggested an edit, and I can’t fix it b/c I can only suggest, not actually edit.  So I suppose you will have to delete that.  I’m so sorry, it didn’t mean to!

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #119662
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @mischievous-thwapling

    Thank you so much! Those were super helpful! I think I fixed all the grammar stuff.

    And don’t worry about your critiquing sounding harsh.

    “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. ” (Prov. 15:31)

    And I do believe you mean constructive, not destructive criticisms. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Lona.
    #119691
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    Yay! Glad I could be of some help!  And thank you, I always want to give that constructive criticism, y’know? 🙂

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #120311
    Wingiby Iggiby
    @wingiby-iggiby

    @lonathecat

    *bursts through the door waving a sheet of paper in my hand, then doubles over and catches breath. “I — finally — made it!” Hands you the paper and then sheepishly makes my exit. You read the paper:*

    Ah! That was so good! I read the part before it, and it is so creative! I like, first of all, how Death is not mean, lol. That’s how I thought she was going to act. Your story is like a telling of creation from the point of some other religion or a people who do not know God. Now, I was just thinking of this, but do the Man and Woman and all the other creatures have a land to live in?

    I get myself tangled up when I’m writing, trying to make it easy to read and understandable. You did such a good job with this in your story; you made it sound elegant and gentle and easily understandable.

    Here are a couple of grammar things I thought that I might point out, I just hope I’m right about them! If I’m wrong, ignore me 😛

    The smaller creature’s face contorted, its eyebrows pushed together and its mouth opened but no words escaped.

    (I put the suggestions in italics; but if it was meant to be the other way for style or something else, ignore them 😉 I think it could go either way)

    The two creatures looked at each other, realized the same thought at the same moment, and turned back to the sisters. The larger one spoke. “No, no we do not know our names.” He paused, “What are they, may I ask?”

    (maybe just add that word for extra clarity?)

    These are just suggestions, and I hope I didn’t come off as a smarty pants or something (I’m actually not very smart); it’s hard to give advice! You are really good at taking advice. Anyhow, I really enjoyed your story. Keep up the awesome work!! 😉

    Btw, that is a really wise Bible verse, Prov. 15:31

    I light the arrow, pull the bow,
    Shoot that fire right through my soul.

    #120347
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @wingiby-iggiby

    *takes paper, uttering incoherent exclamations of happiness and bouncing up and down like a sugar-high toddler. “Thank youuuuu!” Proceeds to devour paper’s contents. *

    Yeah, I’ve always been kind of annoyed how people make death this terrible, horrifyingly evil thing, so… in my fictional universe it’s just not haha. 😛

    The creatures and Man and Woman have a land (actually a planet, but same difference haha) that Life and Death chose for them. With Life and Death’s help they (the creatures and Man and Woman) turn it into a more livable, and overall more pleasant place to live.

    Thank you so much! That means a lot! 😀

    My goodness…*facepalm* How did I miss 3 -eds in one sentence? That has to be a record.

    Oh, you’re right that does make it sound more clear. Thanks!

    No worries! You came across very well-meaning and helpful.

    And what are you taking about? From what I can tell you definitely know your stuff. 😀

    #120356
    Wingiby Iggiby
    @wingiby-iggiby

    @lona-the-cat

    *”You got it!!!” Dances absurd little jig*

    For Christians, death certainly shouldn’t be horrifying. So you hit the nail on the head for that one. 😉

    Ohh…. (I’m ohh-ing about your explanation for their world and how it makes sense now 😛 ) ….

    Thank you so much! That means a lot!

    You are totally welcome! 😀

    No worries! You came across very well-meaning and helpful.

    Oh, thank you! I’m so glad I was a help! 😀 (I love smilies 😀 😀 😀 )

    And what are you taking about? From what I can tell you definitely know your stuff.

    Thank you; you are really nice! 😀

    I light the arrow, pull the bow,
    Shoot that fire right through my soul.

    #120357
    Wingiby Iggiby
    @wingiby-iggiby

    @lonathecat

    Oh man, I’ve been doing your tag all wrong! *face-palms, head-bang-on-desk, pulls hair 😛 * I think I am the only person on this forum who keeps getting tags wrong at least once every time I post something!

    • This reply was modified 10 months ago by Wingiby Iggiby. Reason: I forgot the @ in front of you tag. Typical of me. 😛

    I light the arrow, pull the bow,
    Shoot that fire right through my soul.

    #120362
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @wingiby-iggiby

    So you hit the nail on the head for that one.

    I always laugh a little to myself when people put me and that expression together. I am very clumsy (and really, really, spacey when I’m tired), so let’s just say giving me hammer…is not a very smart idea… 😛

    Yesss! Smilies are great! I was actually talking about this with a friend the other day. She uses all sorts of emojis -hearts, bongos, smilies, llamas…you get the idea haha-, and I only use smilies. My reasoning, is that, llamas are nice, but smilies are nice and they are just so much more helpful. You have no tone or facial expression when you just use text to communicate, so, obviously, you need smilies. Thus, I say smilies win. 😀

    Thank you; you are really nice!

    You’re really nice, too! Actually, all you StoryEmbers people are really nice. Why can’t I have you guys as my neighbors instead of the ones that insist on blasting rap music until three in the morning? Ah well… (They’re not that bad, though. They own a really good soup restaurant, they’re just loud. 😀 )

    And all good! I mean, I probably miss like 5 commas every time I post, but I don’t even bother to try and fix it, so good job to you. 😀

     

    #120396
    Wingiby Iggiby
    @wingiby-iggiby

    @lonathecat

    Ha ha (how do you express laughing correctly?….)! 😛 I can get spacey too (and sometimes my brain doesn’t work); example: when I was supposed to be concentrating on molar mass for chemistry, but I was just like: “hmmm…molar mass is equal to…… I wonder if I’ll get on the forum later…..atomic weight…..I want to draw that picture after school…..expressed in…my dream last night was SO weird….grams?” pause. “Huh?”

    EXACTLY!! Smileys are SO helpful, I just wish I knew more. And llamas are nice, but what are you trying to say with a llama? 😛 And, of all of the others, I think hearts and the thumbs-up are the best.

    Aww, thanks! I’ve found everybody’s really kind on here too, which is so awesome! And we have a neighbor that on occasion plays loud music too! I was lying in bed one night and I was hearing their house’s heartbeat…. boom boom boom boom boom boom….. But they didn’t do it for that long, and I’ve only heard it twice, so that’s a relief.

    Ha, right? I see a typo almost every time I post, so I just won’t read them after I post 😛

    I light the arrow, pull the bow,
    Shoot that fire right through my soul.

    #120476
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @wingiby-iggiby

    Oh boy haha. Chem with so many other things sounds difficult. 😛

    Yeah, thumbs up are pretty good too. I also use them all the time in real life when I want to give a response to a person, but don’t feel like talking haha.

    Oh that’s good that they don’t play it too often! (Also; love your wording there. The house’s heartbeat. 😀 ) My neighbors actually play their rap music as background music for their restaurant (their restaurant is directly across the street from my family’s house) so we used to hear it about every other night, really late at night. Buuuuuuut then all my other neighbors got mad and made a petition, so now they have to shut the restaurant music off at midnight. 🙂

    Oh, smart haha. I think I’ll start doing that. 😛

     

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