Fantasy Writers

Feedback 2.0

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  • #119394
    Lona
    @lonathecat

      Hello again, lovely people!

      So, I have here a continuation of the Life and Death section that I put in my last Feedback forum. (Though, this time I have it as a Google Doc instead of a too-long forum. Heh.)

      As last time, if you want to read it, then great! Any feedback would be appreciated.

      Have a nice day. 😀

      Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_vK_ZxVECNUN1O1jBcbfYUfnTGyK7Xhs8j9ljmVgrKg/edit

      #119485
      Mischievous Thwapling
      @mischievous-thwapling

        Read and LOVED it!! Will you give my thoughts as soon as I find the time. (So probably not tonight, but hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday night!

        "May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks." ~Gandalf

        #119490
        Lona
        @lonathecat

          @mischievous-thwapling

          I’m gad you liked it! I look forward to seeing your comments, but no rush, take your time. 😀

          #119636
          Mischievous Thwapling
          @mischievous-thwapling

            @lonathecat

            Nice!! That was so awesome. Just some notes:

            “Accordingly, he was reluctant to let his daughters create such a creature, but when they assured him that they would personally teach the creature, he relented.”

            I would suggest cutting the second “the creature” and replacing it with, “it.” The two “creatures” just sound mite word-y to me. 🙂

            “The other creature had taken on a larger, more powerful, form.”

            I think that it would be grammatically correct to cut the second comma after powerful, but I might be wrong (I’m not completely sure) and if you put it there for pausing effect, then keep it. 😀

            “When they saw Life and Death before them, they were terrified, and cried out.”

            I think the comma needs to be cut after terrified.

            ” ‘You are both People. You are Man, and she is Woman.’ Death explained patiently, “For just like your names, each is a part of the other.’ ”

            I think it would be: “You are both People. You are Man, and she is Woman (comma instead of period),” Death explained patiently (period instead of comma), “For… etc.”

            I know that sounds silly that it’s reversed like that, but I know that the comma should be there before Death.  As for the “period instead of a comma”, well, if that’s a continuation of Death’s sentence, then you should keep the comma and make the “F” in “For” lowercase, but if it’s a new sentence for what Death is saying, I believe grammatically it would be a period. 🙂

            You did great job, and I really loved reading it!! I hope in my critique, I didn’t sound like a know-it-all or harsh… I have a hard time not sounding mean when I’m giving critique..

            And, uh, I’m really, really sorry, but on the part where it’s talking about how Man seems ready to face more trials, I was trying to copy and paste it to give you a note, but I accidentally suggested an edit, and I can’t fix it b/c I can only suggest, not actually edit.  So I suppose you will have to delete that.  I’m so sorry, it didn’t mean to!

            "May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks." ~Gandalf

            #119662
            Lona
            @lonathecat

              @mischievous-thwapling

              Thank you so much! Those were super helpful! I think I fixed all the grammar stuff.

              And don’t worry about your critiquing sounding harsh.

              “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. ” (Prov. 15:31)

              And I do believe you mean constructive, not destructive criticisms. 🙂

              • This reply was modified 6 days, 5 hours ago by Lona.
              #119691
              Mischievous Thwapling
              @mischievous-thwapling

                @lonathecat

                Yay! Glad I could be of some help!  And thank you, I always want to give that constructive criticism, y’know? 🙂

                "May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks." ~Gandalf

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