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@kimlikesart

Good job! You excellently ”prepare a way” for the surprising arrival of the actual Messiah 🙂

 

You portray characters very well.

Hmm… A 16 years old boy teaching the crowds? It’s way more likely that the teacher will be an older, charismatic man, who enraptures young, hot blooded people like Ruben.

 

Don’t use brackets in a story…

 

Orthodox Jews call God ”ha-Shem” because they don’t want to say YHWH. It’s kinda pointless to use them both…

 

You don’t need to quote the whole Exodus 15. The readers are familiar with the text (and if not, they can look at their Bibles 😉 ). Maybe quote a few phrases, and use descriptions. Something like…

”The Lord is a warrior, the Lord is his name!”, he shouted, eyes glittering as he quotes the holy scripture. ”Pharaoh’s chariots and his army he has hurled into the sea!”.

(My literary English… *sigh* 😉 )

 

Again, I think you shouldn’t include the first two chapters, and somehow include Chena’s backstory in the main plot. It will also require to fix this chapter, so it can serve as a first chapter.

 

You decided to stick with an omniscient POV?

 

Sorry if I was too harsh at some points. Your writing in general is very good! 🙂