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@Eitan

I’ll do my best to answer, and don’t be afraid to ask again if it doesn’t make sense the first time. I also apologize if this answer is kind of roundabout.

I think I understand where you’re coming from, especially as another man – as one who also has long fixated on his position as a servant of God, rather than a son. I have dealt with strong feelings of guilt and self-contempt over writing, and it has to do with our purpose as men. God made us to work, and even worldly society understands that (though not always in a healthy way). It is common for us to place our worth in what we do, what we earn, what we make – but that is not where God finds our value.

“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved! And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show thee incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.” ~ Ephesians 2:4-9, ESV

I have felt your guilt. I have felt like nothing I can do is ever pleasing to God, and that has often led me into a dark place where I just stop caring. It has led me to feel resigned to feeling worthless. But that is not how God sees us; we know this because God the Father sent His Son to suffer the penalty of our sins, and to accomplish a resurrection that we might also live again with Him in Heaven. If we believe that God is Lord of All, then we must also believe that His Word is final.

God does not love you because of what you do; He loves you because of Christ in you.

God does not need you to do works; He has already done everything necessary for your salvation.

God does not ask you to conquer the world (Christ is the conqueror), or save the souls of the lost (He is the one who saves), or to pay tribute (“The Lord prefers obedience to sacrifice”).

He asks only that you trust Him. He only asks that you trust that He loves you, that He will take care of you, that He will save you. In that trust, we come to fall in love with our Lord who is always faithful to us, even when we are faithless.

 

With that in mind, examine just why you feel guilty about writing. If you feel guilty for writing, what is it about your writing that makes you feel guilty? Does the content of your writing make you feel guilty in some way?

Or do you feel like there is something else you should be doing instead?

Following the wisdom of James, pray to God for wisdom. Pray to our Father to know what is right, what is wise, what is good, and what He wants you to do. Pray for discernment, to know the difference between your heart, the Devil, and the Holy Spirit.

 

Now, some thoughts / advice from a more personal standpoint:

Your writing does not have to preach to glorify God; that is the preacher’s job. To honor God in our writing, we should instead point to His truths and His beauties – we are but a reflection of Christ’s glory. Take comfort in the thought that even the mere desire to please God is itself pleasing to Him, even as our efforts fail.

Perhaps one way you can turn your writing to glorify God is to devote some time to writing your thoughts on Scripture. Keep reading the Bible, making notes on passages, and elaborate on the meaning of the passage. Work out an understanding of what God wants you to learn in what you read, identify themes and motifs on the character of God which are consistent throughout scripture.

 

I hope this has helped. Keep praying – God has the best answers.