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@literatureforthelight

I agree with @bama-rose ‘s comments. Everything looked good. The only thing I would change is the actual writing – the sentence choices. You seem to tell a bit here and there.

Another thing that I would kind of like to change (this is totally up to you, don’t be afraid to say no) is the order we get the story in. With your permission, I would like to go through it, dice it up, and re-arrange it. For example, I would put the snippet where he finds the bracelet missing at the very beginning, then spread the rest of the flashback throughout the story (? maybe? or just throughout his conversation with Tae-ki), matching the relevant bits of dialog.

It could give the story more emotional resonance, but it could also make it harder to understand.

Like I said, it’s up to you if you want to let me do that.

One last thing. I don’t think you need to add anything before the story begins. I think this story stands alone very well without having to explain the backstory. That’s what the flashback is for, after all. 🙂

You did a good job, I can’t wait to see the finished piece.

@daeus-lamb When is the deadline?