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@emma-star , @scribbles , @kb-writer

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate some help with this free verse poem. Here are a few things I’d like to draw your attention to specifically, but I’d greatly appreciate any feedback you may have for me:

1) I’d like to submit this to a Christian publisher, but I’m not sure if the rewording of Hebrews 11 is too gritty/graphic for my audience. What do you think?

2) Is the theme of time too “heavy”? I want to stress the amount of “distance” traveled, but not to the extent that it weighs the poem down.

3) Does the double meaning/play on words “land” or is it too subtle? I don’t want to point out what it is here for fear of giving it away. I’ll post a comment with what I was thinking if anyone provides feedback.

4) Overall, does it seem to flow? If not, where do you think it could use rework? I know it’s one big run on sentence, but does it sound like it works if you read it out loud?

Thanks in advance! I appreciate the help.

 

Evangelism

I’ve come all the way here to talk to you.

Here, just a few years west of Eden

On the other side

Of Roman Empire Street,

Right across from the American Revolution.

I have come from birth and teething and crawling and

Walking and eating and running and coloring and

Riding bikes and building forts and sledding sleds and

Studying textbooks and driving cars and texting and

Rebirth all the way to you, here, and now

I’m dying to tell you

The same thing

Those who came before me,

Those who were tortured

But refused release, sweet release,

Who were mocked and beaten

And imprisoned,

Whose hands and feet were chained together,

Whose faces were smashed in with rocks,

Whose belly and legs were sawn apart,

Who died

To tell those who came before you:

That a Man who was also God

Lived and died but also lives

So that you and I can be free.