Activity

In case the link was missed first time around, here it is again: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MRD1VByezg5WJWemO2vEZ4N1N_HzAwRbzhXJCgBs–I/edit?usp=sharing

@e-jo3

WOW! Story-wise, that was really clever. I’ve tossed in a few basic suggestions for spelling, grammar and punctuation…I’m a bit of a grammar-Nazi.

The main thing you need to work on is fleshing the story out some more. You’ve got the creativity down pat, but you may want to work on showing what’s happening instead of telling it. I’ve written an article on Show Don’t Tell here.

Rather than just saying “One day at thief guild a fellow thief showed up with a post. He showed it to the alpha thief.” You could say:

“Excuse me a moment!” A man ran to catch up with the alpha thief.

The thief twisted, slowing his pace. “Something wrong?” He raised his eyebrows in question.

The man didn’t reply, he just thrust a scrap of parchment into the alpha’s hand. “This.”

He scanned over it and a smile lifted his lips slightly. Time for the Alpha and Beta Thieves to live up to their reputation.

This makes it more engaging, and will draw the readers in.

Also, the parenthesis seem to slow down the story. It can be hard to focus on what’s going on while there’s a lot of 4th wall injections. If you cut back so that they only come in occasionally, then it’s really cool and way more effective.

The plotline, and plot-twists were stellar. I love the concept of dragging characters through a huge variety of trials, only to have it have been a trick. Also, making us have to swap sides at the end was great! Keep it up!