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@esjohnson Great job with it so far! 🙂

I would leave the part about the father in there since it makes it clear that she is an orphan. Her reflections about red and blue paint also show how naive she is. It is morbid, but it’s from the POV of a 5 year old who doesn’t understand that it is morbid. This is what makes it interesting. We know the danger of jumping off a train, but the child doesn’t. She only wants to go home to her mama, and ironically, she will see her if she jumps off the train (assuming her mama is in heaven). My suggestion is don’t have them slow down the train, and let her jump off as it’s going full speed, her last thought being, “Will I see mama now?” and then end it there.

That would be taking a situation with a common view (anyone with a more mature perspective would realize that she was jumping to her death) and displaying it from the naive and innocent POV of a 5 year old.

I think you should change the part with the monsters, though, it’s a little confusing and contradicts with her other lighter thoughts. I don’t think a 5 year old would have the insight to see memories of friends as like shadows. If her memories of her friends are happy, then why do they seem like monsters? Maybe she could be remembering her happy playtime with friends as she observes the sad faces of other children on the train and wonders why they are so unhappy.

Since time is running short (@j-a-penrose, do you want it done by American Saturday again?) should we put the most up-to-date version in the doc and make our suggestions there?