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@obrian-of-the-surface-world

I’m new to the forum, so I hope I’m doing this correct, but I love this idea of posting audio clips. I hope to put one up soon… though I may not have much time to go back and listen to all the wonderful recordings prior to this…

I was enthralled by your writing – however, the background sounds were a bit too much in the foreground, if you know what I mean. I had to get used to them before I could really get into your story.

That being said, I agree with @emily-waldorf in that the beginning was a bit wordy. The scene setting was awesome, and I could picture it, but it dragged on long after I got the mental picture, I think.

Christie’s horse turned, as it reached the cliffside, running laterally in the direction that the other horse had gone.

I think after this part, it did get better, however, some examples of where you repeat descriptions would be for instance the dual sections that talk about the churning sea foam, or another example would be the trio of sections that talk of lightening-streaked sky, loud crack, and sky drums. (Lots of repeat descriptions of the rain too…)

Again, I love the visuals and the word choices for the descriptions are incredible – just perhaps a bit too much.

It captivated me, don’t get me wrong, it was really really good, but I was impatient at times to get to the next part in the story, because I really wanted to know what happened next. It’s a good problem to have.

My only other note was, the analogy of the angry kid throwing marbles didn’t seem to fit the mood or the tone of the piece. It seemed awkward, put there. May just be me though.

Thanks so much for starting this, for posting that, and providing this venue to challenge ourselves!