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@carolinethewriter

Hi Caroline!  My name is Ella.  I read your story–it’s intriguing!  I want more!!😃  As for your questions, your first sentence nailed it. 👍  Overall, pacing was good and the characters interesting.  (I have a little brother who owns more NERF guns than he should;  you portrayed Max very accurately! 😄)  I listed a couple of suggestions below.  Remember, they’re just suggestions, so feel free to ignore them. 😊

1.  I think it might be good to specify Jackie’s gender so0ner rather than later, for the sake of clarity.

2.  I noticed some run-on sentences (which I struggle with!), so if you’re comfortable with allowing editing access, I can highlight them.

3.  I know show-don’t-tell is oft-repeated, but there were a couple of sentences that would be more exciting if there was more showing (to make the reader feel like they’re right next to the character).  Again, with access to the doc, I can highlight in a different color for show-don’t-tell.

4.  One last thing, maybe you could make the scene when Ryn appears a little more startling for Jackie (e.g. screaming, or stumbling while trying to run away).

Don’t feel like you have to change stuff, but since you asked for critiques…😊  Please do the same for me (when I post a chapter)!

This was really good, though!  You go, girl!! 😉  I’m eager for more…