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Fantasy Writers

Critique on my first chapter of my newest project, Crystal Thieves?

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #114954
    CarolineTheWriter
    @carolinethewriter

    Hi you guys!

    I just joined the forum- so I’m still figuring things out, but I was wondering if I could get some feedback on the first chapter of my new novel? It’s Middle Grade (I think) and a fantasy story- I just need to know if I introduce the characters well, the pacing is alright, the first line, and if my writing/description gets weak at any part, or any other major things- don’t worry about grammar, but if there is a grammar thing that *really* bugs you- let me know haha. You can also only do critique on one of the topics I listed above if you want (but also feel free to do all of them), so don’t feel overwhelmed.

    Here is the google doc:

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CLGkxJoN4xpEgEAIID49i2UcKjIgBQRFy6gojpNcfQg/edit?usp=sharing

    Thank you in advance!

     

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by CarolineTheWriter. Reason: making it clearer

    When the world seems to fall around you- remember that God is still with you.

    #114968
    Ella
    @writergirl101

    @carolinethewriter

    Hi Caroline!  My name is Ella.  I read your story–it’s intriguing!  I want more!!😃  As for your questions, your first sentence nailed it. 👍  Overall, pacing was good and the characters interesting.  (I have a little brother who owns more NERF guns than he should;  you portrayed Max very accurately! 😄)  I listed a couple of suggestions below.  Remember, they’re just suggestions, so feel free to ignore them. 😊

    1.  I think it might be good to specify Jackie’s gender so0ner rather than later, for the sake of clarity.

    2.  I noticed some run-on sentences (which I struggle with!), so if you’re comfortable with allowing editing access, I can highlight them.

    3.  I know show-don’t-tell is oft-repeated, but there were a couple of sentences that would be more exciting if there was more showing (to make the reader feel like they’re right next to the character).  Again, with access to the doc, I can highlight in a different color for show-don’t-tell.

    4.  One last thing, maybe you could make the scene when Ryn appears a little more startling for Jackie (e.g. screaming, or stumbling while trying to run away).

     

    Don’t feel like you have to change stuff, but since you asked for critiques…😊  Please do the same for me (when I post a chapter)!

    This was really good, though!  You go, girl!! 😉  I’m eager for more…

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

    #114973
    CarolineTheWriter
    @carolinethewriter

    @writergirl101 (me hoping this tag thing works)

    Thanks so much, Ella! I’ll turn on suggestions on the file for you- here is an updated link, but you should be able to just refresh the original one as well https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CLGkxJoN4xpEgEAIID49i2UcKjIgBQRFy6gojpNcfQg/edit?usp=sharing

    I’m so glad you liked it!

    1. Ah, yeah, I didn’t think about that!

    2. oops I sometimes do that- comments/suggestions on the doc are now on!

    3. Agh, yes, the show don’t tell thing always gets me, so please do highlight that!

    4. Okay- I’ll think about that. I’m much more of Discovery Writer/Pantser sort of writer so some things about Jackie are still in the works, like her reaction to things haha.

    Thanks so much for your help! Feel free to tag me whenever you need a chapter to critique- and I’ll probably have the second one of this up for critique soon as well!

    When the world seems to fall around you- remember that God is still with you.

    #114985
    Ella
    @writergirl101

    @carolinethewriter

    Hey Caroline!  I did some suggestions on your document–mostly punctuation and highlighting.  I did do some sentence rewriting, but if you find that they’re not your style, or straying from your original text, or you just don’t like them, then don’t bother about changing stuff. 😊  My documents look terrible after I’ve edited the first draft!!😂  Your story is great–keep writing so I can read the next one!

    -Ella

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

    #114988
    CarolineTheWriter
    @carolinethewriter

    @writergirl101

    Thanks again, Ella! 🙂

    When the world seems to fall around you- remember that God is still with you.

    #114991
    Arindown (Gracie)
    @arindown

    @carolinethewriter

    Hey, I’m Gracie (one of several Grace’s on SE😆). I just read your story, and really liked it. Can’t wait for more!

    One thing I noticed was that Max knew how to manipulate his sister…I know kids learn that naturally, but I wondered if you had a plan to make Jackie and Max learn to get along better by the end of the book. If you did, it might make Max into a fuller character.

    Remember, don’t ever over-stress about your first draft. It’s just a draft, you can change it. Don’t worry about being perfect the first time through.

    Keep up the good work.

    Not all those who wander are lost.

    #114995
    CarolineTheWriter
    @carolinethewriter

    @Arindown

    Hi Gracie!

    Thank you! I’m glad you liked it! I don’t have many plans for Max at the moment, but I’ll try to keep that in mind anyway- thanks for the feedback!

    Yes, I’m not worrying too much about the edits- I just would like to hear from people as I write so that I can get better :).

    ~Caroline

    When the world seems to fall around you- remember that God is still with you.

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