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@elisha-starquill

I just finished reading the chapters you shared! I really enjoyed the prologue. I think what drew me in the most was the assassin’s fear of the emperor and how he resisted the idea of killing the girl. Since often the villain’s servants are cackling along with him, the fact that assassin disliked his job made me want to know more about him.

In the first chapter, I was a little confused when I found out that Maeri was being chased by her brother. For the first page or so, I thought she was being chased by an enemy, not playing a game with her siblings. (Partly because I’d just read the part with the assassin and knew he’d be coming after a girl.) Maybe, to avoid confusion, you could change the last sentence in the first paragraph to something like, “I couldn’t let my brother catch me,” or, “I couldn’t let him get the ribbon.”

I enjoyed how you started the story with the game; I always love sibling relationships in stories!

It was cool to meet Vladlena in her own story! 😀 I’m definitely drawn in by her arrival and wondering what exactly Phydaluel had been up to. One thing that would draw me in even more is if you introduced some of Maeri’s personal goals. Is there something she wants that’s lacking from her life? Even if her goal is something small, you can apply the mindset and desires that go along with it to each situation, which helps pull the reader through each event because they want to see her succeed. As an example, say Maeri’s goal is to beat her siblings. First she’s running from her brother because she wants to win, and then gets frustrated when she is beaten. Next, when Phydaluel is about to jump off the wall, she wants to be the one who convinces him not to jump. Then later on, she wants to be the first one of her siblings to befriend Vladlena. This is just a quick example, but does it make sense how that goal of beating her siblings can run through each of the main events? It’d be cool if you gave her a goal, based off the theme/her character arc, that she could start pursing from the first page.

Hopefully that helps. 🙂 Great work so far!