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Hi @emma-starr,

There are some good lines here. I especially enjoyed:

“It isn’t so heavy

When it’s quiet.”

And “The limp leaves are still dripping

In the after-silence.”

It seems like this poem is trying to show mood changes through the seasons. Is that right? If so, you seem to be doing well at showing instead of telling and engaging the senses, but I know Story Embers likes a little more embellishment than what I’m seeing here (at least that’s the feedback I’ve received from them). I might try using more seasonal metaphors and similes to explain the narrator’s mood.

Also, I’d check the tone of your words. Words like “liquid” and “aroma” set the mood for a formal poem but “cartoonish” sounds like a scratch on a Beethoven record.

And I’d try revising the end. It comes on a little forcefully and possibly a little preachy. I’d try either intertwining talking about/to God throughout the poem or cutting the last stanza out altogether. Whatever seems best to you.

Take all of this with a grain of salt. Story Embers’ editors and I don’t seem to see eye to eye much these days when it comes to poetry. I hope this helps though!