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Aydin

Stupid, coward, how could I have let that happen? How could I have just ruined everything like that, everyone knew, everyone was staring, either pitying or despising, I had no idea which was worse.

I kept my head down, tried to force back tears and panic and a thousand feelings I wasn’t ready for. I couldn’t show it, it was too dangerous to show it.

I needed to get myself under control, or at least I needed to break down somewhere more private. I hurried away from Niarok, away from Chet who was staring at me with a combination of shock, guilt and pity that I despised almost as much as myself.

Maybe someone was talking but everything sounded distant and scrambled, like a language I couldn’t understand.

I was running from my problems again. What else could I do? I couldn’t stay there, it would get worse, they would see, they would know. I couldn’t let them know.

I was always running. I had spent my life running, betraying, trying so desperately to get away, and getting myself in worse places in the process.

There was an alcove at the back of the cave, cloaked in the shadows, far from the driving snow. I sank down. Nobody could see me but I could still keep an eye on everyone else. I needed to, it was the only way I didn’t feel like someone was sneaking up on me.

I tried to forget the memories the smell of alcohol on Chet’s clothes had dredged up.

I had made decisions every one of those times. The first time, to leave my father at the first possible opportunity, no matter the cost. The second time, to leave the Siya, no matter the cost. The third time, the cost had caught up to me, seemingly all at once. It always did, with added interest.

Why was I still alive? I had seen others die. So often, too often. I had seen so many better than I die for no particular reason except irony, or cruelty. Perhaps both. Others deserved to live so much more than I did, I had deserved death a hundred times over.

(Author’s note: Wait till he hears about this wild concept called grace XD)

I needed to think of something else. I tried to focus on anything else. Yila was leaning against Niarok again. She looked so vulnerable, so tired, for the first time, and Niarok was there to comfort her.

How many of the people I’d helped kill had siblings they loved? 

I dragged my memory back before the guilt got worse. Would this ever pass? Would it ever get better? What was I supposed to do with my life now? I had ruined everything so many times over. There was nothing left to break, only ashes.

Anything else.

For some unimaginable reason, the first thing my mind fixed on was a recent memory. Liorah, singing to her mare in her horrifyingly bad voice. She had done it purely to annoy me and she had succeeded. It was such a ridiculous memory.

I relaxed, just the slightest bit. She had told me the horses were tense and they would spook and I’d fall again. I had replied something along the lines of ‘of course she’s nervous, she has to listen to your voice.’

That had set Faye laughing and trying to whistle a different tune through Liorah’s, who was nowhere near a melody. It had been the worst ruckous I had ever been cursed with and it had ended with all of us doubled up in laughter. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed that much.

My breathing had slowed back to normal and my heartbeat was less frantic. It was easier to think clearly.

Someone new was here. His hair was as red as the blood gushing from his leg. I was halfway on my feet as soon as I saw him, but Niarok was there first and I relaxed again. Niarok was better at that than I would ever be. I didn’t have the courage for it.

Niarok was always helping everyone. It took a lot of kindness to manage that, especially when you were uncomfortable and scared yourself. I wished I could.

Niarok finished bandaging the man’s leg and sat back. For the first time, I noticed the slump to his shoulders, the exhaustion in the slowness of his movements.

Sudden guilt overwhelmed me. He was exhausted and I had been draining his energy more than anyone else. I hated being a burden. I was one, more than I had ever been.

I needed to do something back. I needed to help. I got up, grateful that my legs weren’t shaking anymore. I still felt the lingering effects of the flashbacks, the awful memories lingering, waiting for an opportunity to come back.

Getting up was still hard, I was exhausted too and stiff with cold.

I barely smothered a smile as I realized that the man’s hair had accidentally caught on fire. It wouldn’t have been amusing except that he had already put it out and only looked embarassed. I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen that just as I hoped everyone else would pretend I hadn’t just panicked at apparently nothing.

I wrapped my cloak close around me and my hood up, trying not to die from the cold. This was horrid and awful. After this one experience with snow and cold weather, I had already decided I wanted nothing of it.

As I watched, the entrance of the cave morphed and changed from a gaping hole into another tunnel. I recoiled before I could stop myself, then quickly glanced at the others to see if they had any reaction. They looked every variation of shocked. Good, so it wasn’t just me.

The temprature was going up and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was sick of seeing my breath in clouds and feeling myself freeze to death slowly.

There was a clack and a rumble and I sensed trouble coming. I backed against one of the walls, trying to guess where the noise was coming from. There was no doubt that this was real, everyone else was reacting in similar ways.

“Well, well. I must say you did a pretty good job on that challenge. I’m really getting sick of the doctor being so nice. Maybe I ought to remove him from the picture,” the walls seemed to boom.

I started with fright, trying to disappear. Who was that? Who had been watching us? What was this? Was this real?

“You would severely regret taking my brother from me.” Yila said. She’d been sharpening her knife and stood with it bared.

I didn’t want to get on her wrong side, ever. Whoever this was had better watch out. Please, not Niarok. We needed him. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him.

The voice laughed, a horrible grainy laugh.

“You tempt me, weasel, to try. However, I do think I’ll enjoy his reaction to my next challenge.”

And then it crackled off. Silence. Dreading silence.

The temperature was bearable again. We had a while before the next disaster. We needed to use it.

I hurried over to Niarok, who looked extremely tired, worried, and resigned in equal measures.

“I’m sorry for what happened, I didn’t expect it. I can stop it sometimes but it just–” I said, raking my hand through my hair and avoiding his patient blue eyes.

“I understand,” Niarok said. I glanced up and I got the idea he did. I had no idea what he had done or where he had been before this, but it couldn’t have been easy.

“Thanks, for everything,” I said, quietly. I looked up again, determined this time.

“You need to take a break.”

Niarok instantly protested.

“I need to watch Rúan’s leg, if it bleeds too much–”

“It needs stitches. I know. I’ve been through this a few times. I’ll make sure nothing goes wrong,” I said.

“You’re not a healer, I need to–”

“I know enough. You don’t need to do anything except sleep. You aren’t responsible for us,” I said. I wasn’t giving up on this.

He had one last protest.

“But what if something goes wrong while I’m asleep–”

“I’m not going to sleep, I’ll wake you if I even suspect that something will go wrong,” I said.

I had finally out-argued Niarok and he relented with a sigh.

“Fine.”

I sat down near Rúan, but not close. I shook back my hood. The snow was melting quickly and it was far warmer. I was slowly warming up again.

“Last time I got stitches we didn’t have suture thread, anaesthetic, or a healer. Embroidery thread and someone who definitely isn’t a healer yet aren’t great substitutes. I survived that, you’ll be fine,” I said, as a matter of introduction.

(Author’s note: This is canon. This actually happened. It was chaos.)

His eyes widened in horror and I looked away. That might not have been the best way to introduce myself.

“I’m Aydin, by the way,” I said, quietly.

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I’m sorry that got so long, y’all! I actually back-tracked quite a bit. He normally wouldn’t get over a flashback that quickly, but I wrote myself into a corner.