Activity

@bclarke
I absolutely love this, Bronte!

I love hearing your animated and impassioned reading of it!  Nothing “cringy” in it whatsoever (as you mentioned separately)!

See what dimensionality is added by giving us another way to perceive the text?  I know you have that secret advantage over us too, but this makes feeling the text and your passion behind it a force of nature.

It allows you to step back and appreciate your writing as a reader does and that gives valuable insight.

I could feel the emotions with the characters, and sense how they interact, and I’ll bet it gives you some rounded possibilities as well.

@bclarke
I absolutely love this, Bronte!
I love hearing your animated and impassioned reading of it! Nothing “cringy” in it whatsoever (as you mentioned separately)!
See what dimensionality is added by giving us another way to perceive the text? I know you have that secret advantage over us too, but this makes feeling the text and your passion behind it a force of nature.
It allows you to step back and appreciate your writing as a reader does and that gives valuable insight.
I could feel the emotions with the characters, and sense how they interact, and I’ll bet it gives you some rounded possibilities as well.

Scene Questions
1) Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?
It embraces the newness of entering social circles. I like that Jade takes the bold first step in the introductions, rather than wait for others to present themselves to her. It shows some spunkiness about her, and I admire her right away for doing it.
2) What would you say the mood was of this scene?
Upbeat and pleasant. Conversational and flows well between the characters.
3) What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?
I do wish I knew more about Jade, for we don’t get a whole lot of her internal thoughts. I’d like to see just a bit more of her initial uncertainty and trepidation in entering the new environment without knowing anyone. I would love to hear some of her internal struggles and then see her bravely and resolutely decide that she will make the first move to be friendly.

I am reminded of the verse: “A man [who has] friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend [who] sticks closer than a brother.” [Proverbs 18:24 NKJV]

Which does prove to be true. A person seeking friends, must themselves be friendly, and that is the key that gets her into the door of this community. I think her brave step towards Charlise and William, does her great credit, and perhaps it is what catches the eye of the gangly boy, and he amplifies her action by offering to introduce them to the others, but Jade is the catalyst. It is slightly odd that we don’t know “the gangly boy’s” name. One might expect that he would have told them before he turns to introduce them around the schoolyard. I think I am pulled between wanting to know more about Jade, but I also would like to know more about “the gangly boy” still in the friend zone. Why does he make friendly gestures, but avoid any deeper personal relationships, and tend to laugh it off? I think he is secretly hurt by this seeming fact and perhaps uses his gregariousness to guard as cover against anyone seriously thinking about his internal fear of a more intimate relationship. Perhaps he has been a little jaded by a hurtful rejection in the past. This is what further intrigues me about him, but it could side-bar Jade’s story.
4) Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?
The gangly boy, for the reasons, stated above. What hurtful rejection may he be hiding behind an overshow of friendliness?
5) Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?
a) Setting
It would be nice to get a view of the environment around Jade as she attempts to orient herself physically before she does so emotionally. What would she need to know as a new student? Where is her first class and in which building? Where is the lunchroom or snack bar if she gets hungry? Where is the bathroom if she needs to freshen up? Where is the sports field if she is an athlete? Where does she want to take a break and sit with some friends or read a book, or go over her class notes? Is the area shaded? What is around the school? A city or a park-like area? What architecture do the school buildings have? What might they remind her of? Is it a sunny day? Overcast with clouds? Is rain coming? Is it early morning or late afternoon?
b) Character thoughts and motivations
I would love to hear more of Jade’s internal dialog. What does she feel about being new? Does she look at it as an adventure, or is she used to it? What reason might she have for making the following statement: “It’s not often someone other than me is new.” Does her family move a lot? Is her family on a military assignment or is there something else that causes them to move more frequently?
c) Character appearance and/or mood expressions
I would like to be able to see a little more of the characters. What they choose to wear, the colors, textures, their expressions. Any particular features that might stand out. Any signs of quirkiness or something individual about them that may be their trademark signature style. Perhaps something they are even a little self-conscious about. Is there something about William that makes him feel insecure about himself? Why does he feel the need to be protected by Charlise? What secrets does Charlise keep for William?
6) Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?
Yes. The dialogue was animated and strong and flows effortlessly.
7) Did you learn something in this scene that you wondered about in a previous scene?
Yes. This scene does have a layer of an intriguing backstory that is just enough revealed to make us wonder about the levels upon which it might play out. Good job with these nicely planted subtleties.
8) Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)
Yes. It generates several questions and draws the readers into wanting to find the answers to who these characters are and what their motivations and further actions might be to show us.
9) Is there any part of the scene that you personally felt did not belong?
All of the sequences seemed nicely fitted and energetic. There is a dancing pace to this that is almost music in delivery. Allegro forte!
10) What, if anything, would you change about this scene to make it more interesting to you?
I might develop the internal voice of Jade more. I admire her but want to find myself more empathetic with her so we can celebrate what she does next. Why does she suddenly want to play matchmaker? Does she really know enough about what may tie William and Charlise together that might even make them a suitable couple? Could there be a side to their relationship that might be—sinister in some way? If so, Jade might be getting herself into more trouble than she realizes.