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Mischievous Thwapling replied to the topic Stories and Fantasies in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years, 2 months ago

@rebekah

Note: Suggestions are in bold

The air was frigid, but she did not wrap her cloak, which was dark in color, and so tattered that it was a wonder that it hadn’t fallen apart, tighter around herself.

This sentence feels a little wordy, so maybe you could reword it to something like: “…. but she did not wrap her extremely tattered, dark-colored cloak tighter around herself.” Or something like that, anyway 😀

Her black hair, which was flecked here and there with a vibrant dark green and deep blue, and brightened into a fiery red at the ends, where it curled slightly, had come free from where it was tucked inside her hood, and blew about her face, and her eyes, far more keen than any human’s, were set like jewels upon her delicate face.

This is sentence above is kinda long and confusing, so maybe something more like: “Her black hair, which was flecked here and there with vibrant green, brightened into fiery red at the ends, curling slightly. It had come free from where it was tucked inside her hood and blew about her face. Her eyes, far more keen than any human’s, were set like jewels up on her delicate face (love that simile btw).”

I LOVE how you describe her eyes, btw!! And that cliff hanger ending… please post more!

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