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@inklingflame

AWWWW!! That was so sweet! The poem at the beginning was a very beautiful and nice touch. The mother/daughter relationship… Awww…

Inklingflame wrote:

“I’ve got to go.” He said into the phone.

I believe it would be best punctuation wise to cut the comma, replace it with a period, then make the h in He lowercase.  Like this: “I’ve got to go,” he said into the phone.  (I bolded the changes so that they would be clearer)

Then the same thing with this sentence: “Please let me go with you,” Edith begged. Comma instead of period 😉

*googles whether one has to put a period after Miss since I’m unsure* Okay, so according to the internet (that’s reliable, right? JK) one shouldn’t put a period after Miss, though one is essential after Ms.  So with Miss Nancy, you could shorten it to Ms. Nancy, or take off the period.

Inklingflame wrote:

Please don’t finish she implored with her eyes.

Just to make it clearer, you could italicize the “Please don’t finish” part, like: Please don’t finish, she implored with her eyes. (Nice word, implored, btw. Love the image it gives me)

“Dad, where’s Mom?” She asked.

Just make ‘she’ lowercase 🙂

I think this is just typo: With mixed feeling she opened the door and stepped outside.  I think it would be ‘With mixed feelings.. etc.’

BTW,  I really liked the simile: “Hair as soft as sparrow feathers, with waves like the ocean.” And the one about her eyes being like the sky after the storm? LOVED IT!

LOVED LOVED LOVED IT!!! I hope I didn’t sound harsh or anything. I have really hard time critique because I’m always nervous I’ll come across wrong…