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@kate This is gorgeous! The worldbuilding is vivid, mystical, and with a very cool blend of fantasy and technology. The simplicity of the fish as light also stood out to me. Good job!

I’d guess the big thing here for me is structure. You’ve written it with a fairly slow beginning, with a lot of description and internal monologue. It really doesn’t become dramatic, like life-and-death-dramatic, until she steps into the water and mentions suicide. And I agree with @piperbee that she seems to make the decision a little too quickly.

What if Vasha’s friend knew that she was thinking about suicide, and we start the story off with a bang with an argument between the two? And then Vasha slips away to the sea (where her friend would never envision it happening), bumps into someone else who makes her put on the mask, and goes in. Just a suggestion — it might take too much text time, anyways — but it might be a starting point for a dramatic beginning.

You go girl! Its going to turn out great 😀

@piperbee Ooh, I like the idea about her reaching for the mask!