Activity

@vivian-grant

Ooh, it’s so creepy, but I love it! The ending is really powerful, and I love how you developed the theme of needing to be informed about the danger to know how to fight it. It reminds me of this quote by C.S. Lewis: “Since it is so likely that (children) will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.”

I do have a few suggestions/questions though:

1. Why were Wren and Gladys out so late if they knew the dangers? And why wouldn’t Wren have insisted they go back home, even if Gladys would have been offended, since it’s that dangerous? Is there some way you can have it make more sense for them to be out so late? Like, maybe they got stuck somewhere, had to dig themselves out of the snow, or fell down into a ravine while they were playing. Those are just some ideas.

2. The dialogue feels a little unnatural in some places. Reading it aloud really helps you hear what doesn’t work. Also, the dialogue tags aren’t always necessary. Most often, “she said” or “he said” works just fine. Using big words like “countered” and “reprimanded” can slow the reader down.

3. I would also suggest using fewer adverbs. Most often, a strong verb is all you need, and it’s more powerful than several descriptive adverbs.

But overall, I thought it was a really neat concept and well-developed story. Great job!