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Hello again!

I haven’t quite finished the story yet, but I have enough to give you a couple of broad-range thoughts.

1. You have a knack for over-the-top writing. The cat-explosion was hilarious! And I loved how you used your characters to acknowledge that Billy is a surprising name for a dragon. You are very self-aware in those parts, and it just adds to the humor.

2. Overall, I think you need to work on showing instead of telling. A lot of times, you told me what was going through the characters head instead of letting me watch what was going on and read into it. Just remember that the reader catches on to more than you expect (I’m talking to myself as much as you right now).

a. One example of telling was the second scene when Ashley’s kingdom decided to search for her. There was nothing for me to witness, just information I had to know. A more effective way to deal with that is pick a POV (I would have picked Billy’s) and wrestle through the information with the character.

b. A more subtle example of telling is found in the dialogue. I’m thinking of the exploding cat scenario when Mara re-explained what had happened. I caught the story, so I don’t need to hear it again.

c. Ashley being kidnapped is repeated too much. It feels like you’re trying to hammer it into my head, but it’s already there.

d. If you want more examples, let me know.

3. I would narrow the POV, maybe only to Billy and the family. All the rest could be caught onto contextually (remember, the reader can pick up on subtle clues).

Hope that helped!