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@beth20

Hey Beth,

You did a really good job!! Here are a few things I would fix.

When someone is talking or thinking you don’t have to put it on the next line. Before you get confused, let me explain.

1. Your first paragraph is good and then you have:

Looking at the house, Jered sighed,

It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.

You can make it

Looking at the house Jared sighed. It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.

Does that make sense? You can have the character mentioned just before they talk or think. Just like how you had

Jered smiled, at least we have a big property.

You did this a lot but try to keep all the characters actions, thoughts, words on the same line.

2. The part about mother figure. You said mother figure so many times, maybe just say mother for a few of them?

3. Hopefully, she’s right. Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.

You can put that all on one line. It’d be like saying “Hopefully, she’s right.” Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. “It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.”

<b>Maybe introduce Aclabar some other way than putting him in parentheses?</b>

That woke him up a little bit, “Oh cool, let’s go down to the lake,” he suggested. (Again, this can all go on one line.)

Jered glanced behind him making sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind. Tim was running ahead,

Maybe say like, Jared watched Tim run ahead and then glanced over his shoulder to make sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind.

Jered slowed down and grabbed Ana’s hand, “Come on, you can do it,” he encouraged. (can be on the same line.)

Tim stopped, “Oh,” he said disappointed and sat down on the grass. You can put this on the next line but Tim’s actions all together

Tim brightened up a little, “Yeah who said it wasn’t swimmable?” He said laughingly and started for the pond

Maybe instead, Tim brightened up and laughed as he started for the pond. “Yeah, who said it wasn’t swimmable?”

Jered headed down the hillside after him, “Wait up I want to see how deep it is first!” he called. But Tim was already waist-high in the muddy water.

Overall you did really good! It was very well written.

And just so you know, if you don’t like everything I said, you can ignore it. I won’t be offended. 😉

I don’t remember everything I said, but hopefully this helps.

-Katja