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@beth20

Hey Beth,

You did a really good job!! Here are a few things I would fix.

When someone is talking or thinking you don’t have to put it on the next line. Before you get confused, let me explain
Your first paragraph is good and then you have:

Looking at the house, Jered sighed,

It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.

You can make it;

Looking at the house Jared sighed. It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.

Does that make sense? You can have the character mentioned just before they talk or think. Just like how you had: Jered smiled, at least we have a big property.

You did this a lot but try to keep all the characters actions, thoughts, words on the same line.

The part about mother figure. You said mother figure so many times, maybe just say mother for a few of them? It wasn’t horrible or anything, just something to think about.

Hopefully, she’s right. Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.
You can put that all on one line. It’d be like saying “Hopefully, she’s right.” Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. “It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.”

Maybe introduce Aclabar some other way than putting him in parentheses?

That woke him up a little bit, “Oh cool, let’s go down to the lake,” he suggested. (You can put it on the same line. And maybe take out “little”)

Jered glanced behind him making sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind. Tim was running ahead,
Maybe say it like: Jared watched Tim run ahead and then glanced over his shoulder to make sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind.

Jered slowed down and grabbed Ana’s hand, “Come on, you can do it,” he encouraged. (Can be on the same line.)

Tim stopped, “Oh,” he said disappointed and sat down on the grass. You can put this on the next line but put Tim’s actions all together

Tim brightened up a little, “Yeah who said it wasn’t swimmable?” He said laughingly and started for the pond
Maybe instead, Time brightened up and laughed as he started for the pond. “Yeah who said it wasn’t swimmable?”

Jered headed down the hillside after him, “Wait up I want to see how deep it is first!” he called. But Tim was already waist-high in the muddy water.

Overall you did really good! It was very well written.

If you have any questions about what I said please don’t hesitate to ask me to explain it better.

I hope my comments helped you. Again, you did really good. Also this is your story, so if you don’t like anything I said, you can completely ignore me and I won’t be offended. 😉

-Katja