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  • Joelle Stone replied to the topic Stories and Fantasies in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years ago

    @skylarynn,

    Critiquing time!! Same format as before. 🙂

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    Unlike the outer masonry of the wall, which had been intentionally made smooth to keep invaders from climbing it unaided, the interior side was formed of [from] rough-cut stones with large gaps between them.  Nadia had little trouble finding hand- and footholds [either hand-and-footholds or handholds and footholds or grips for her hands and feet], and she’d climbed sections of wall before.  She would have to be cautious of the sections where weather had worn the rock smooth. (A word of warning: Long sentences can bog the action of your story. (I’m guilty of this too, heh heh. Thwapling called me out on that. XD) So if you intend for a scene to be more intense, try shortening your sentences. Would Nadia notice stuff like this in an adrenaline-rush moment? Or maybe Nadia is just the observative/I’m-calm-in-any-situation type. Your sentence structures sets the heartbeat for the scene. ;))

    The gypsy proceeded to scale the wall with ease, glancing up every few minutes to note the progress of her companion.  Ada scampered up the wall like a four-legged spider, seemingly without pause to find a path or catch her breath.  She was swiftly approaching the overhanging machicolations (again, nice vocabulary!) of the battlements.

    Nadia risked a glance downward when she was almost halfway up the wall.  Luckily she had a head for heights; otherwise, she may have swooned from vertigo.  Below on the flagstones  [On the flagstones below,] the castle’s citizens gathered and churned like a disturbed ant colony, barely the size of insects from this distance.  The ground was alarmingly far away.  It was almost surreal, how miniscule everything appeared from this height.

    Centering herself, the gypsy began her ascent again, perhaps a little slower and with more caution.  She could hear shouts from the battlements above as the men struggled to move the wyvern’s corpse. (Maybe add some more action on Nadia’s part here: things like “her fingers were beginning to sweat from nerves.” or “She slipped her [insert shoe type] into a crack, willing her knees to boost her up again, and again, and again, until she finally glanced up just in time…”.) After a few more moments’ climbing Nadia glanced up just in time to see Ada worm her way between two corbels and vanish onto the ramparts.

    (Another note: I don’t see a lot of internal character thoughts. I’m not sure if this is because you’re writing in a POV where you don’t see character thoughts or if it just hasn’t occured to you, but those are a great way to get readers to empathize with a character. I haven’t learned much about Nadia yet, since I haven’t been inside her head. Just a thought. 🙂 You’re doing great!)

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