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@kari-karast

I would first like to say that I would love for you to tag me in any other snippets you’d like to share. (: I may not give critique every time, but my interest is piqued.

After reading what everyone else said, I’ll say that I agree with @theinconceivable1 said about the beginning. If that is the VERY START—the absolute very beginning, the first words you read about these characters when you open the book—then some polishing is needed. Here’s some tips:

1. Actually begin the story. If the sentence “I hurriedly finished packing my bag…” is what starts us off, I’d have to say that this isn’t the best way to begin it. There’s a lack of foundation. Instead of laying down the brick and mortar in making a house, that introduction makes it seem like you tried to build the roof first. That’s the kind of sentence that starts a paragraph a little bit down the page—not at the beginning of the first chapter. Like Inconceivable said, you need something to hook us in. (: Try using a question or a statement coming from her point of view, maybe? Give us something that makes us want to get answers. (:

2. Don’t make everything so hush-hush. There’s something to be said for secrecy, but if there’s too much it can leave a reader feeling detached from the story. Instead of referring to their circumstances as “the situation,” tell it what it actually is—but from the character’s perspective. You as the author may have all the answers, but they don’t. Only give to the reader what your character knows, and that way, they can both learn together. (: After all, it’s pretty obvious that Eiri knows something. She has some pieces to the puzzle, but when we as readers don’t get to know what they are, we feel left out! These trust issues need to be resolved. We want to be able to see what she’s seeing, feel what she’s feeling—feel assured when she feels assured, and feel lost when she feels lost. Etc. (:

That’s all I have time for now. I really enjoyed reading it, and you have a great writing style. (: