April 7, 2019 at 8:46 pm #85565
So… I have had an idea. On another writing community/website I’m a part of, there’s a place for posting writing snippets. And I’d kinda like to do that here, too. So this is a thread where I plan to post snippets of my main WIP, Ash Fall: Warcry. And then hopefully get feedback on them. Anyone interested in this? Giving me feedback and such? If I can get a few people giving me feedback and interested then I plan to try to post them at least once a week. Which will also give me some good motivation to write. 🙂
"You can dance with my henchman."April 7, 2019 at 9:11 pm #85566
@kari-karast Eeeee I love this idea! Can’t wait to read your work and spend time with precious lil Kor-Kor. 😀 <3
"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."April 7, 2019 at 10:07 pm #85568
Yay!!! I’ll post a snippet in a minute here!! It’ll be a little different from the RP in the fact that the book is in first person, though.
Also… @caleb-e-king I know you’re busy editing and stuff, but I thought you’d be interested in this too. 🙂
"You can dance with my henchman."April 7, 2019 at 10:17 pm #85571I, David@i-david
If I can, I will help. But no promises. :\
songwriterApril 7, 2019 at 10:19 pm #85572April 7, 2019 at 10:22 pm #85573
Here’s the first one!! It’s from the very start of the book. Any input you have is helpful! And don’t worry about being too harsh or anything, I can take it. Basically any sort of critique you have I’ll take, I’m not looking for anything specifically critiqued.
Although… since you were both in the RPFL when Kor and Eiri were… can you tell me if their personalities and character in general seem very much different in the snippets than in the RP?
I hurriedly finished packing my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and rushed into my twin’s room.
“Kor, you ready? We need to go.” I noticed Korzen’s silky black hair was more tousled than usual as I waited for an answer. It made sense, considering how rushed we were.
He threw a couple more things into a knapsack and put it on. “Ready. Where are we meeting Jaren again?”
“In the clearing… you know, the memorable one?” I smirked at him as we dashed out of the house and I started heading for the small, sickly woods nearby.
Kor nodded in recognition and followed me. “Oh. That one. Yep, I remember.” I kept going and soon we reached the clearing. I stiffened, a tall figure stood on the far side, waiting for us. The figure stepped out of the shadows caused by the red-leafed trees, and I sighed in relief. It wasn’t a trap, my cousin had come through for us again. Dark-haired Jaren strode toward us. Kor ran past me and actually hugged him. My brother was emotional that way. Jaren looked startled for a moment, but quickly hid it. Korzen let go and stood back, and I caught up to where they were standing.
Jaren looked at me. “You guys alright? No problems on the way here?”
I shook my head. “No. Although you could say this entire situation is a problem.” Jaren gave me an amused smile but it quickly disappeared. Good. I hadn’t meant to be funny. I’d been speaking the truth, this situation was a problem. I shook my head and wished everything could go back to normal again. Then, I turned my attention back to the present. Jaren was speaking.
“I’m glad you made it here safely. Come with me. We won’t get there until tomorrow, but I know some tricks to stay hidden.” I nodded and Jaren turned to go. I was about to follow when I noticed Kor. My twin hadn’t moved, his face was furrowed. I was about to ask him what was wrong when he spoke in a hushed voice.
“Do you know where we’re going? Where Jaren’s taking us?”
I glanced at Kor. “No. But, he’s taking us to a safe place. That’s all that matters.”
Korzen gave me a strange look. “You don’t really believe that, do you? You can’t possibly think that.” I didn’t answer, but the truth was, I did believe it. Jaren was taking us to a safe place, and if Jaren said it was safe, well, I trusted him. Kor was only a few seconds younger than me but I felt responsible for him. I actually felt responsible for Jaren too, even though he was three years older than me. I needed to make sure we got somewhere safe. Somewhere where they couldn’t find us. Somehow, I couldn’t help but feel like this was all my fault, I knew it wasn’t, but still.
I sighed, I was only fifteen, way too young to be thinking thoughts like these. Korzen stared at me with disbelief, almost like he knew what I was thinking. It may not seem like it, but Korzen and I are very close. We are twins after all, which means he probably did know what I was thinking. It would explain why he’d decided to glare at me about ten seconds ago. Then I heard footsteps and realized that Jaren had noticed we weren’t following him.
"You can dance with my henchman."April 7, 2019 at 11:49 pm #85577
@kari-karast: well… um… Oh I guess so… I dont have a ton of time and I really shouldnt be taking on more stuff but you are the dagger K and I think you at least deserve this small token of my time… Alright, I’m in (no promises though on timeliness or future participation but I’ll do what I can ; D) Heres my critique:
1. “I noticed Korzen’s silky black hair was more tousled than usual as I waited for an answer. It made sense, considering how rushed we were.” so you say thier in a rush but you notise small details liek the state of Korzens hair? Thats like saying “we rushed past the building” and then giving an indepth description of said building that would only be possible if you werent rushing. Your storys from who-ever this is point of view and we shoudl see what they see (aka be logiclay consitant ; D)
2. “My brother was emotional that way.” *eyes narrow* this guys off to a bad start… I dont like him XD
3. so, I’m lost. Too emny weird names and unfamiliar contexts… is this like the start start of the book?
Alight, so ya, thats what your going to be gettin with critque from me. I’m affraid, I dont often metnion the good things, (unless their really good ; D) so you’ll hear alot fo negative (just remeber the good is in there I’m not going to uh, waist my time finding it XD Besides, you already know your a good author ; D) also, your goign to get alot fo speelign mistakes cuz I’m tying fast XD so, if you can put up with these conditions, I’ll take the job!!! : D
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17April 8, 2019 at 12:03 am #85578
No worries! I’ll take what I can get. XD And if you can’t do it that’s perfectly fine! I understand, life and all.
1. Okay that makes sense. However, at this point in time, Eiri(the narrator) is standing still, waiting for Kor. Also she’s a girl, we notice stuff like that. XD Does it work in that context, or no?
2. It’s Kor, don’t try to understand. XD *cough and girls tend to write more emotional guys cough* Yeah… Kor is both emotional and unemotional. I think.
3. Yes, the start start. The names will continue being like that, just a warning. (I will have a pronunciation guide/maybe dictionary? for them at the end of the book)
Yes!! The negative is what I want!! If all I ever hear is good, and the negative is left out, I’m not going to improve!! Thank you!! (wow that was a lot of exclamation marks XD)
"You can dance with my henchman."April 8, 2019 at 9:15 am #85621
Yay, great job, Kari. (Should I start calling you Veraza?) Like theinconceivable, I have a hard time pointing out the good things in writing. ‘Cause I’m more likely to notice the stuff that looks wrong. Kind of like how you don’t tend to notice how clean something is when you could be noticing the little specks of dirt or clutter.
Here are my thoughts tho.
The first thing that stuck out to me is the opening line. When I got my first thing critiqued recently one of the things that kept coming up was that I should tone back the adverbs. Apparently, they are to be avoided unless you’re consciously deciding you want to break the rule for the good of the story. (I’m sure there are reasons and instances of exception.. but I don’t know them.) Instead of starting with ‘I hurriedly finished packing my bag’ it would be pretty easy to say, ‘I rushed to finish packing my bag’. Ye?
Overall I think more description could be sprinkled throughout this. I think for me, description helps me feel more grounded in what’s going on, and more immersed in a story. Particularly there wasn’t much description in the opening. The only thing I gathered about the first scene’s location was that it was probably inside, and Korzen’s room was nearby, so they might have been in a hallway.
This is probably purely preference, so I’m tempted to not even say anything, but I’m gonna say it anyway and let you decide what to do with it. I think when it comes to nicknames, it makes sense (in my head) to use their full name in the prose, and only use the shortened version in dialogue. That makes the prose more consistent and makes it feel more special when someone like Eiri uses it in her dialogue. But since this is in first person, it might not matter at all.
“Kor ran past me and actually hugged him. My brother was emotional that way. ”
AAAWWW THE SWEET LIL CHILD
Ignore theinconceivable. Korzen is precious. <3
"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."April 8, 2019 at 10:18 am #85622
1. hum… well have no experiance in that area so if you say so XD but if that is the case then I expect details liek that to be noticed constantly throughout the book…
2. Sorry, it want really a critque jsut a comment ; D I do that some times XD
3. ok, in that case, uh, this is a pretty trash start. Wheres the hook? the burst of action? If I had read this as the start of a book, I probibly would have put it down. The problem is, right now I (and which ever random person picks up your book) DONT CAIR who your charaters are, what their problems are, and why their doing what their doing. Now, your going to be blind to this becase, knowing you, these charaters are lik real people to you. You VERY (i cant empahsise that word enough XD) much cair about what happens to your charates but, untill you make us cair, we dont. So, Step one, make a start that hooks the reader. Makes us interested in your characters before you try and make our interest the modivating factor to keep reading. Also, dont think I’m being hypoctical becasue I didnt do that in shadow stone. (That wasnt intendid to be a novel and it was actually written for a sepifi person) if you want proof I practous what I preach you can read the start to my still unfinished novel I wrote about a year back:
The point is, get a better start, hook the reader, and make things less confusing! you can build up as you go but start simple ; D Thats your daily dose of advice XD
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17April 8, 2019 at 12:24 pm #85659
*glares at @theinconceivable1*
"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."April 8, 2019 at 12:25 pm #85660
@the-fledgling-artist: WHAT?!? XD
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17April 8, 2019 at 12:29 pm #85661
you said Korzen isn’t precious *growls* *throws glitter everywhere* -.-
"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."April 8, 2019 at 1:07 pm #85670Caleb E. King@caleb-e-king
first time we’ve chatted on Story Embers! XD
I’ll see if I can do this. Maybe if you tagged me every snippet so that I would get notified via email I would remember because I’m awful at checking Story Embers regularly.
Young Writer. Crazy Reader. Happy Cartoonist. Author of www.calebeking.com
Proud Meerkat!April 8, 2019 at 2:11 pm #85681
First off. *dodges glitter and burns all the glitter in my immediate area* Second off, STOP ARGUING ABOUT KORZEN. *hugs the poor child* You’re worrying him!!!
You can call me either. 🙂 I’m used to both. Also, good!! (I like that analogy btw.) Like I told Inconceivable, I won’t improve if I don’t know what to improve.
1. Yeah, that makes sense. I do want to convey that Eiri finishes packing it, though. If I put this, would it still sound like she finished packing it? ~~ “I rushed to finish packing my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and hurried out of my sparely furnished room, stopping when I got to the doorway of my twin’s room.” <– That has your suggestion, and I think it makes it sound like she finishes, (and I added a bit more description.)
2. I agree with you on that. Like, I know what it looks like, but I always have trouble writing the description into the story. I need to work on that.
3. Hm, yeah that makes sense too. If it was third person I would definitely do that. But since that’s how Eiri refers to him in her thoughts, too, then I think it would be better to keep it that way in the prose since it’s first person. Like, her best friend’s name is Marasiah, but Eiri always calls her Mara. But Kor calls her Marasiah since he’s not that close to her. Same with Jaren. Kor calls Jaren the nickname Jare all the time, and Eiri only calls him Jaren. Does that make sense? Or do you still think I should change it?
1. I gotcha. I’ll try to do that. As I mentioned above, I’m pretty bad at putting in descriptions.
2. I know. I was just replying to said comment with a comment of my own. XD
3. First off, I want to read your book now. XD Second, okay, yeah, I can kinda see that. I was hoping that the mystery of what was going on and why there was a “situation” and stuff would keep people reading. So you’re saying I should have more action in the beginning, right? Or something akin to that? Right after the snippet ends there is an outbreak of “Eiri’s temper tantrum syndrome” when they find out they’re going to the “rebels'” base. I’ll have to think about how to make the beginning more mysterious and hopefully more action-y though.
You’re right! XD (Funny story, when I first saw you’re name on SE and
spyedclicked on your profile, I thought you were like 18 or something. XD I have no idea what gave me that idea.) Also hey!! I can see your face!!
It’s perfectly fine if you can’t do it. 🙂 I know your busy with stuff. I just thought you’d like getting to see some of my writing/main WIP. If you do want to do it I’ll tag you though. 🙂
"You can dance with my henchman."
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