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Well that was beautiful.

As far as mechanics goes, it’s GORGEOUS. I can’t get over the descriptions. The constant mental images of graveyards and fake flowers—beautiful. The emotions, also, I thought were very well done. Not too much so as to stray into the realm of melodrama, but enough to be absolutely wrenching. Very nice. As far as character development, Ashley (I think that’s her name?) felt very deep to me, despite only getting 6 pages of her. She hinted at having MORE, which is all a short-story can ever aspire to do. So that was lovely.

Coming at it strictly as a reader, my main problem is with the ending, and maybe the overall clarity of the story. I think you were aiming at keeping it vague, which is great, but certain aspects of it just felt disjointed to me. Her violet eyes, mainly. After the first sentence, they’re never mentioned—or even alluded to—again, and I really have no clue what their significance or importance is. There were a few more minor instances similar to this, where I felt like the intended vagueness was bordering on unintended confusion, and I had to read it several times to pick up what I thought the significance might be.

I think this all culminated into a very unsatisfying ending. I’m not against open endings (The Giver is one of my favorite books), but this one seemed more abrupt than normal. I felt slightly disturbed, to be honest, and just a little off-kilter, like when a car slams on its brakes and you get jerked against the seatbelt. To end on the note of Ashley losing this beautiful part of herself was a tad depressing, but more than that, it doesn’t seem done. It feels like there ought to be another page, or another paragraph, or something to close everything off. But having this HUGE spike of drama, and then SLAM, the story is done… There’s no time for the reader to wind down or adjust.

And as far as theme, I can feel it’s presence, but not necessarily pinpoint it. Which I think is good. Not preachy at all. But it’s the kind of story that leaves me chewing on it for a while, so I think you succeeded there. 🙂

@J-A-Penrose