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@happyholly_c First off, hello!!! 😀

Secondly, I am still learning about the showing vs. telling, when-to, how-to, etc. so I’m afraid I’m not much help in that department. I did find quite a few grammatical boo-boos, but nothing major. The writing style kind of reminded me of a Junie B. Jones story.

I find it a little strange that Ben was the one who began the complaining and then suddenly seemed to be the one to persuade Nate to be cheerful because it was Christmas. There were bits that seemed rather pointed and stilted in the dialogue, I agree, mostly where you had a point to say rather than just having a natural conversation as @quinn-ofallon pointed out.

I don’t think it’s poorly written, but it does feel like a work in progress or a draft. It’s kind of like a backbone in some places. It just needs fleshed out. The story is very dialogue heavy, which leaves a lot of open space for the actions of the characters and the setting.

Whoa! Kay, I was imagining like an eight-year-old MC, not sixteen! Where did the story start? We know they traveled, but so far, there’s been no mention of where they started. Also, Nate kind of acts as if he hadn’t ever met his aunts before. I guess it’s just some of the phrases that give that connotation. What does Nate define as a “good” Christmas?

I really like the lighthouse analogy, but, again, the dialogue isn’t natural there. What would it look like to show how that feeling formed, to give a rich background and deeper picture of that analogy through the story rather than just using a pretty comparison for a paragraph? What if the kids spent time by the lighthouse at night and witnessed the chaos when the light breaks and the ships are left in the dark? How would the tension feel among the families of the sailors expecting them home in time for Christmas? What triumph would there be when the light is restored? Or how can Nate, our MC, face an internal struggle to reflect that? You came back around to the lighthouse, so I think this might be an easy one to focus on to begin with.

Why does the evergreen represent faithfulness to Aunt Faith? What is it about the evergreen? Is it because it’s green year round? How does she relate that to God? What happened in her life that made her cling to that revelation? Give us more than just a convenient connection to their names. What specifically brings the church out to Love. You kind of touched on this with the decorated cross, but what makes it different from any other cross she sees? Tell us how they learned these lessons and why they’re so important to the characters.

Overall, I liked the idea, but it felt very surface-level. I’d like to see this story take deeper roots. I think it would really help if you fleshed it out a little more and dug into it. A lot of the story feels like intro work, not much story. Does that make sense? What if you condensed all of the travelling and had more plot points that explored the analogies you’ve set up? Make Nate fight through his selfishness instead of just coming to a sudden realization that he had a selfish thought about California and wakeboarding. Personally, I think the whole bit with Ben in the beginning could easily be dropped. It doesn’t feel relevant at all. Also, the lightkeeper’s son seemed thrown in there. I’d like to see him fleshed out and acting as part of the story, helping Nate through. There’s sense of conflict here to drive the reader on.

Okay, so those are some scatterbrained thoughts that I typed out as I read. Sorry if they’re a little all over the place. Thanks so much for sharing this piece!! I love Christmas stuff!!