Activity

Okay, wow! First impression is when can I read this sucker?! It sounds fantastic! I’m intrigued by the storyline. The first line was a big hook, for sure. I loved that opening line and even the last line. It tied everything together really well. So, overall, it looks and sounds professional. I like it a lot!

I didn’t get a sci-fi, fantasy, or even dystopian impression just from reading this, though I could see how it could be dystopian or maybe mild fantasy.

The first sentence is really long, but I mean, I like what you said and how you said it. It might build more tension if you split it into two sentences though.

This sentence here doesn’t look right to me: “he leaves a trail of clues for Roshni to a discovery that decimates everything she thought she knew about the Watchers.” It should either be “he leaves a trail of clues for her to discover” or “he leaves a trail of clues that leads her to a discovery.” It doesn’t make sense to say “for her to a discovery.” You can lead to a discovery or you can discover. One’s a noun and the other a verb.

This isn’t unclear, per say, but it could be clearer: “Darice is still demanding his execution” almost sounds like Darice I’d demanding his own execution. You could easily fix that by just replacing the pronoun with “the heretic” or “the fugitive” or “the escapee” or something like that. Then the “him” in the next sentence is clearly referencing the heretic, too.

Lastly, maybe this is just personal preference, but this line felt a little wordy. Seems like there might be a simpler way to state this one: “spent her life achieving.” Maybe something like “she worked so hard for” or “worked for all her life”?? Just ideas. And nothing concretely wrong with it.

Wow! Thanks for sharing! And let me know, please, if you need any betas or when the blog releases these or whatever! I’d love to see more!!