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@katie02

Thank you for sharing your work! I know it takes a lot of courage sometimes. 🙂 I really enjoyed this snippet! Great job with the characters …and the mysterious happenings. Mr. and Mrs. Bill Fry are so entertaining. XD So here are the few thoughts I had:

First off, this story reads like it was written in the 1800s. Have you read a lot of Victorian literature by any chance? 😉 That’s not a bad thing, if it’s the feel you’re going for, but I thought I would point that out. Also, the melodrama of your descriptions especially stood out to me. Maybe tone them down a bit? A couple examples of what I mean: “the two fiery, glowing orbs of darkness piercing her own.” and “Her dark eyes roving wildly over the passing landscape, her fingers clasping and reclasping the thin golden chain about her white neck, her ashen face, etched with terror, shining pale and bright in the eerie moonlight.” The same with Mr. and Mrs. Bill Fry. Their speech is very entertaining, but I think if you toned it down a bit it would still be just as entertaining, and maybe more readable.

Hope that helps you!