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Cassie Hartfinh replied to the topic Help?? This needs to be fleshed out a lot… in the forum Critiques 7 years, 3 months ago
@anne_the_noob14 Ooh, intriguing story! This a great start. You definitely have the bones to an awesome plot here. Now, to add the flesh…
So, in chapter three, I like how you’re describing what Kiel is doing, but what’s missing is what Kiel is thinking and feeling as he’s carrying out these tasks. For example, during the hour-and-a-half period that he’s making the sword, he could be getting lost in his own thoughts while performing repetitive motions with his hands as he knaps. How does he feel about his situation? What’s the ultimate plan that involves the necessity of a sword? How did he get stuck back in time in the first place? What’s really driving him?
Maybe he works for a time-traveling company that is experimenting with commercial time-travel. Perhaps he has a sister who looks down on him at home, and he gives in to his pride and self-doubt, which could cause him to travel back in time to prove himself, and accidentally get stuck. He could be thinking about this while he’s making the sword. It would reveal a lot about his character and also make the chapter a more comfortable length. (This whole thing is just an example, but you get what I’m saying, right?)
In chapter four, when Kiel wakes up to find his shelter invaded by its Jurassic residents, he immediately begins to defend himself. I like that whole action scene! What I found missing was, again, emotion. I had to read it twice to even figure out that Kiel was fighting for his life. Perhaps you could say something like ‘he slowly blinked the sand from his eyes, then started, his heart hammering, as a raptor glared at him from across the cave’. You could add other things, as well. Do his hands sweat with fear as he grabs his knife? Does he fumble with it because of the sweat? Does his pulse pound in his ears, causing his head to feel as if a hammer is constantly slamming against his skull? Perhaps his stomach rolls with the nausea of the pain in his temples. Then, as he staggers and hesitates to fight the raptors through his pain, they could slowly encircle him and creep ever closer, causing him to descend into a bit of panic. You know, add suspense, as well as length. Then, when Hazel rescues him (lovely bit, by the way), you could have Kiel grumble at him about how he had it all under control (suggested character flaw coming into play again).
Lastly, I would suggest you combine the chapters, but leave a break where Kiel goes to sleep and wakes up again. I do that all the time. Easy fix, but make sure you do it right.
These are all suggestions, but in the end, you’re the author. Do whatever you want, and have fun! Hope my little essay was a bit of help to you!












