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@r-m-archer @aster @anyone else because I’m lazy and I don’t feel like looking up y’alls tags…

So, here is the rough*cough* very rough *cough* version of my first few paragraphs of my novel, Firemaster. And dudes. Pick apart the first line piece by piece, please. I’m one of those people that likes to have an epic-ly confusing and inspiring first line that many will someday quote. *cue inspiration music*

Here you go:

    There comes a day when you will realize what you were born for. Whether you will rise with fame and fortune—or fall to utter darkness. You may not see this day for fifty years, or it may come at fifteen and break you. Or it may not come till the day you die.

  Kirin was not the first to wish it sooner than later. With a doomed life since eleven and the marks of a slave marring his hands, he may as well feed himself to the sea monsters rather than try to work his way up the caste system of Westrim Earth.

  But Kirin was no quitter, so he would try.

What do you think? It’s a fantasy novel, so I want a bit of an older style feel to it, but without the long sentences and confusing showing. This is almost more of a prologue than an actual part of a chapter, but it’ll probably end up being stuck in the first chapter.
Also, as I mentioned above, chew apart the first line. I kind of like it, but I totally want your opinion about it. Both negative and positive. So go. Be free, my wee dragons.

Au revoir.