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R.M. Archer replied to the topic Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback in the forum General Writing Discussions 7 years, 11 months ago
@aster You have a couple of extra commas in there, one after “I dropped my case to the ground” and one after “I picked up the case.” I’d also reword the line “entered the gate” to something more along the lines of “pushed open the gate” or something else that more clearly indicates that she stepped past the gate; what you have is fine, it’s just not the most accurate/clear way to say it. I also think you want “forward” rather than “forwards,” but A) I’m not 100% certain on that and B) since it’s first person that’s a little bit more flexible since people don’t always have excellent grammar.
Your second paragraph is kind of info-dumpy. I’d rearrange the second sentence slightly so it says “The architecture was equal parts grace and defense,” which just reads smoother. After that you kind of leave the reader wondering why she’d mention immediately that people wouldn’t attack it; if she’s just gotten here, why is that her first thought? Is she worried that it will be attacked? If so, why? Otherwise it seems like shoehorned foreshadowing. Likewise the location and invisibility cloak: why is she mentioning these things now? The location thing would be better shown through her perhaps looking around trying to ascertain her whereabouts or something like that rather than just telling the reader that she doesn’t know where she is. During that you could explain that it’s a reasonable precaution because villains have very few friends (I do like those lines).
And another question: Why does she drop her case just to pick it back up again? If I just stepped out of a carriage and I’m observing where I am, I’m not likely to totally set my bag down. I may rest it on the ground if it’s large enough to do so without being awkward, but I’m not likely to totally set it down. And it doesn’t appear that she stands there very long, so if she hasn’t been carrying her case and she’s just briefly observing, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for her to set down her bag entirely.
All that said, overall it looks like the start of a good beginning, and it’s interesting enough even as it is that I’d be interested in reading more. (Generally the more I like something and the more familiar I am with a genre, the more I’m able to pick it apart, lol.) The hook itself is really good, it’s just the writing that could use some fine-tuning. 🙂












