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  • Joelle Stone replied to the topic Stories and Fantasies in the forum Fantasy Writers 5 years, 1 month ago

    @skylarynn,

    I’m just gonna repost your story with my edits in brackets and commentary in italics. 🙂

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    Staring at the fallen beast[,] Nadia realized with horror that one of the defenders had been caught between the heavy corpse and the battlements. Alexander Northiron, she guessed. The Duke’s son.

    Frozen as she was with fear and shock, Nadia only managed a startled gasp when Ada broke [twisted] free of her grasp and sprinted towards the wall. “Ada!” she called, then (use then the least amount possible. Maybe “Ada!” she called. When her friend didn’t respond, Nadia shook her head and chased after her.)  chased after her. (add paragraph)

    The younger girl dodged agilely through the gathering crowd as Nadia nimbly followed. Once she reached the wall[,] Ada paused only long enough to find handholds and began scaling the old, worn masonry with alarming celerity (nice vocabulary!). Above on the battlements [On the battlements above] the guardsmen were trying to make their way to Alexander. But the dead wyvern seemed too great of an obstruction.

    Nadia reached the wall and, realizing she had not [didn’t have] much choice, began climbing after Ada.

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    Nicely done! I love your style, and am intrigued with the story (I mean, DRAGONS!). A tip I got yesterday, though, is to avoid adverbs as much as you can. The teacher (Andrew Peterson) basically said that if you have to use an adverb, you probably need a stronger verb. Just an idea. 🙂 Hopefully the way I decided to edit wasn’t confusing. If you want me to be more or less critical, let me know! 🙂

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