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@daeus-lamb I also really like the opening line!

“he risks entering a battle he can only hope to win, and that at a horrible price.”

“risks entering” are two words that don’t feel very active or adventury to me. Also, I think “he can only hope to win” is too easily misread as “only he can hope to win.” Finally, I prefer “Let alone survive…” to your closing here.

“But the weary immortal has lost his faith, whispering secretly that God may have abandoned them in their time of need.”

I do vastly prefer “weary immortal” as you have it here. I don’t like the sound of “whispering secretly,” though. I don’t like “spouts,” either, so take that as you will. Maybe “whispers warnings?”

“As the Songkiller rises with death in his hands,”

1000000% better than his version.

Take this or leave it, but I strongly prefer adding the ellipsis to the end of “whose song possesses such a sinister power” rather than making it a part of the standalone line.

As for that last line: “Power over one’s immortal soul…”

I think this is something you need to make as specific as possible. It’s the dolorous bit that tells us exactly what Exton is risking. I don’t know what “power over one’s immortal soul” means. “Stealing” a soul may not be what you’re going for, but it certainly makes me feel like I know what I’m getting into in a way “power over” does not.

I’m really glad, overall, that you worked with a blurb doctor! I think you’re nearly arrived at something really powerful.