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@theswordinthebook
The overall feel is really cool! I was definitely drawn into the story and felt for the character. Good job! I also got a pretty good idea of their situation and the setting.

I did notice that there was a lot of telling, rather than showing, and that detracts from the emotional impact of the story. Here’s a quick sentence-by-sentence look at the first paragraph:

Sweat ran down his forehead as he worked in the hot and humid afternoon. — Because you’ve already mentioned the sweat, the reader will already assume that it’s hot, so the ‘in the hot and humid afternoon’ can be removed, or replaced with more descriptions.

The water in the air was unbearable, and soon, even he would not be able to stand it. — Instead of saying ‘was unbearable’ show how the sweat stings as it drips into his eyes and blurs his vision, how the stickiness makes every movement heavy, like he’s wading through the air (for example). That will give the reader the knowledge that it is unbearable, without just telling them outright.

The sun glared down on him and his fellow workers, unmercifully burning their bare backs with its fiery beams of light. — Again, describe what you mean by ‘unmercifully’ and the reader will feel it much more clearly. Describe how the skin on his back prickles, how the flies buzz around them in an unending hum. Instead of saying ‘the sun glared down’ you could say ‘the glaring light still blinded him even when he closed his eyes.’ Try to find personal, physical ways that this sort of weather affects a person. If you find those small details, it’s a lot more powerful than the big statements. (All that said, I really like the creativity of the phrase “fiery beams of light”)

Dust from the work was choking him, coating in the back of his throat to where he rasped when he took each breath. — The ‘was choking him’ is telling, but it’s also not actually necessary, because you’ve already described what that means in the second half. You could just phrase it more like this: “Dust coated the back of his throat, choking against each rasping breath.”

Showing vs telling is actually not as tricky as it seems, if you can understand what ‘showing’ means. It’s basically just using those smaller physical details, instead of the larger statements. If that makes sense. (Sorry if it doesn’t >.<)

Once again, really great job! I definitely enjoyed it. 😀

Quick question, is this character an important character in the rest of the story? And/or does this scene have an important place in the novel?